Opportunity Cost

I AM AN ECONOMICS TEACHER... I feel like I'm in some 12-step rehab program when I say it. Three years ago, I would have never admitted to being one.  In fact, when told I was going to have to teach economics, I looked confident, I smiled, nodded and said "yeah, sure, no problem"... and on the inside, proceeded to have a pretty good sized panic attack. I had never made it through an economics course in college. Sure, I had passed a test while in teaching school that said I was qualified to teach at the basic level, but not to be a real-life economics teacher.

But, when I interviewed for what is now my current, and most awesomest job ever, I may have played up my economics ability a weeeeee bit more than I should have.  Regardless, I got the job, and promptly began enjoying my summer, forgetting that I'd actually have to come up with a CURRICULUM for this course in a matter of a couple weeks and at some point, pass the Arizona Educators Proficiency Assessment (if tests could be douchebags, the AEPA would be the king douchebag test).

Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed or stressed out, rather than confront the issue, I push it away.  Pretend it doesn't exist for the time being and then at the very last minute, I CRAM.  I work well under pressure, almost too well.  So, with one week to go before I started working at my new school, I started cramming for the big kid economics test.  I bought "Economics for Dummies" and  the "AP Economics Study Guide". A few things looked vaguely familiar, but really none of it made much sense.  Luckily, my boss told me I had until the end of the school year to get highly qualified.  Pshaw - no need to cram, I would teach it for the next few months and surely I'd learn it well enough to pass the AEPA.  So come May, after 9 months of learning economics along with my students, staying approximately 48 hours smarter then them, I took the test... and failed. 

Now, my students can tell you that the OPPORTUNITY COST of my decision to slack off was failing my economics test and potentially losing the best job I've ever had.  Fortunately, my boss is a pretty outstanding character.  He vouched for my teaching skills and I was able to keep my job.  Long story short, the second time around, I studied, took the proper classes and passed it.  Voila.  I am now an economics teachers.

One of the biggest points I pound in to my students heads is the textbook definition of Opportunity Cost... you know the definition, so let's all say it together "The cost of an alternative that must be forgone in order to pursue a certain action".  In other words - it's all about that thing you didn't chose.  The thing you're missing out on.  The thing that you could be doing if you weren't here. The thing that you regret not doing. I should have paid a lot more attention to this lecture...

I've been emphasizing the wrong thing to them.  It's funny how much this lecture correlates with my life.  I'm pretty sure, at the time I was putting it together, I could really relate to all those things I was missing out on so it makes sense I would focus so much on that.  Today, however, I'd like to revamp that lecture a bit.  Today, I'd like to concentrate that lecture on the thing you DID chose, not the value of the thing you don't chose.

Why care so much about the cost of something we DIDN'T do??   Isn't it about enjoying the thing you did and the moment you're in RIGHT NOW?   And, as my hike in the Superstitions reminded me, it may not turn out to be the bestest and most wisest use of your scarce resource, but what you didn't chose won't ever change, so stop dwelling on it. That would be the "sunk cost" part of the lecture... "A cost that has already been incurred and thus cannot be recovered".  As economists will tell you, you must ignore sunk cost and use the information you have in front of you to decided your next action.  Two great life lessons in economics.

No one, not my family, or my friends or my boss can tell me what is most important to ME.   Everyone has different importances in their lives and YOU are the only one who can decide what the most important things are.  So, find what's important and do it.  Stop worrying about the cost of the things you aren't doing and take pleasure in the thing you get to do.  If you don't like something, change it.  If you like it, stick with it. Ignore the sunk cost, make your decisions now, going forward.

Speaking of enjoying the moment... as I'm writing this, I just looked over to see this.  Life really is about the little things. 

... (can't think of a title) ...

Someone very close to me recently asked me why I think I'm such a bad over-thinker and over-planner because they have the same problems... I'm pretty sure it's the same reason why some people avoid confrontation at all costs, why others have to control every situation, why some chose to live in blissful ignorance, and why, well, I think you get the point.  We do these things to protect ourselves.  No matter if you were raised by the Leave it to Beaver clan or the Married with Children family, or like most, something very much in between, we all developed our own defense mechanisms. Even if you think you were raised in the best situation possible, you create defenses to make sure that fairytale is never disturbed.  And if you were raised on the other end of the spectrum, you create defenses to make sure you get what you need, when you need it.

The early, formidable years of my life were definitely a bit on the "hectic" side.  I'm a firm believer that my tendencies now to over-think and over-plan come from trying to keep some sense of predictability in my life.  I know that if I'm the one the set it up, I'm the only one to blame if it goes wrong.  I don't want to rely on anyone else because I'm pretty sure, at some point, they'll let me down.  And I can't handle someone I care about, a lot, failing in front of me.  So, rather than set someone up for failure, I'll save you and me a lot of headache by just taking care of it myself.  And it's not that I don't think someone else is incapable, I just don't want to risk getting mad or frustrated or being disappointed in them.  

But, the new me is trying to be better about this.  The new me isn't putting so much weight in being disappointed or let down.  These things happen and are a fact of life, so there's no point trying to stop it from happening.  The new me is rolling with the punches.  And actually, by not dwelling on the what if's and instead focusing on the right now, I've been doing pretty good.  It takes some work to not let your mind start wandering to the unknown.  And I'm getting better about stopping my thoughts before they go into a spiral of planning.  And guess what?  I haven't been disappointed by anyone in quite a while.  Sure, I wish some people made different choices, but if I don't take it personal, I can let it roll off my shoulder.  It's actually kind of weird taking positive spins on life... not assuming the worst... and just letting nature take it's course. 

The last couple months, I've had big changes in my life.  In the past, I would have handled it much differently.  Losing someone hurts, especially when they're your best friend. The love is still there, but the blame is gone.  There's no dwelling on how things could have been better.  It's actually kind of nice knowing that I gave it my all, so that there was no regrets.  I wouldn't have changed the way I loved.  Some may say I did too much, but for this relationship, it was just right.  It sucks not having my friend, someone to just talk about nothing with, but I know that I gave everything I had.  So in the end, there was nothing more I could have done.  Coming to terms with it wasn't easy, but it didn't kill me.  (Hmmm - this has nothing to do with the topic of this blog, I guess I just needed to get that out...)

Small Steps... big changes.

So this whole “living in the moment” thing isn’t as easy as I thought. I’m finding that it takes a lot of hard work to not let the past creep up on you and even more work to not try and predict what the future holds.  I keep catching myself playing out a scenario in my head a dozen different ways before I stop it and literally tell myself “don’t worry about the future, enjoy THIS MOMENT”.  Sounds silly, I know, but it works.  I’m actually considering taping those exact words on the dash of my car and on my phone and next to my bed, because that seems to be where most the over-thinking takes place.

I have to remember though, that there’s a difference between dwelling on the past and using the past as a learning experience.  Because they are two very different things.  With the first, you feel guilty or remorseful and wish you could change it.  With the latter, you relish the experiences and strive to improve off of them.   The past can be a good thing... if you see it for what it is.  The key is to not let yourself be soured by it or allow it to hold you back from the now.

The first time I truly traveled by myself was when I was living in New Zealand.  Now, I had attempted it one time before when I was backpacking through Europe, but that only lasted 5 days before I was reunited with people I knew.  New Zealand was a whole other experience.  Traveling the country alone, while my husband stayed home in Oregon.  I was searching, not just for an adventure, but for who I was.  The fact that I had left Rod, knowing I’d be gone for months without seeing him, and I was okay with that, should have told me more than I was willing to admit at the time.

I had a really hard time stepping outside my comfort zone for the first few weeks.  I was SO closed off.  Afraid to talk to strangers, not sure if they would like me or if I was “cool” enough to hang with the solo travelers.  I was older, married and new at this game.  I studied every movement that people made.  The way they talked to other people, the gear they had, the food they bought, how they looked at me.  I definitely didn’t think I belonged with this group of free-spirits.

And then one day,  I was riding a bus from Christchurch to Queenstown (about an 8 hour ride) and along the way, I was reading “Me Talk Pretty One Day”.  At points on the ride, I was quite literally, LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was trying really eff’ing hard not to snort at some of the stories.  I know a couple people on the bus were looking at me, but I couldn’t help it!

When I got to the hostel in Queenstown, I checked in and got to my bed.  It was a big open room with about 5 or 6 other backpackers.  I found a nice spot in the corner and pulled out my map.  That’s when someone came over and stood next to me.  I looked up and recognized that he had been on the bus with me.  He had a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  I couldn’t help but smile back.  That’s when he asked me what it was I had been reading.  I showed him the book and he told me that he had read it too.

Bam, just like that, I had met a friend.  And that was about all it took.  I talked a little with him and his friends.  We all grabbed a beer that night.  The next day, they all took off to the Milford Sound and I was left feeling empowered.  Maybe I WAS cool enough to be part of the free-spirit crowd.  Or, at least, maybe they were just normal people like me, looking for a friendly face and good conversation.  I had worried so much about what people thought about me, that I never actually stopped to realize that I’m actually kind of fun to be around.  And by laughing uncontrollably on an 8 hour bus ride, I unintentionally opened myself up and became approachable.

It would be another 3  years before I would be a lone traveler again.  And the next time around, I was searching for much more.  I was no longer married, I was in my 30’s and I was lost.  The story of finding myself is one I’ll save for another blog, so for now, let’s relish on the idea of living for THIS MOMENT and not worrying so much about the what-ifs.

There are these turning points in your life, where a lightbulb just turns on and all of the sudden, it’s so clear.  Moments that you can never predict, that turn your life upside down.  And it’s in those moments, that you really feel alive.  Life is about what happens when you’re caught off guard... and it’s how you react that really defines you as a person.

Take a leap of faith and step outside your comfort zone!

This Moment Is Your Life.

Recently I've been doing a little research ... a little investigation... a little searching.  And what I found out is -- I think too much -- I mean WAY too much.  As in, I'm a chronic over-thinker who attempts to predict and pre-emptively strike any situation that comes my way.  I'm constantly on the look out to hurdle any obstacle, sidestep any potential hazards and push away anything that could hold me back.  I anticipate any possible encounter and come up with a million different responses -- just in case.

Except, most of my preconceived ideas are just that... preconceived... made up in my head.  And shockingly - things never quite work out the way I imagined them to be.  So all that thinking and planning and rethinking and replanning was for naught.  All this wasted time and wasted energy trying to anticipate something I have no control over.  And then more time wasted in replaying the moment and what I SHOULD have said or what I COULD have done better.

This weekend, I took 19 teenage girls on a road trip to California.  I had 3 months to plan this trip.  3 months to figure out every possible kink.  3 months to imagine every possible scenario.  3 months to get everything worked out perfectly.  I had emergency contact information, permission slips signed, itineraries given to every parent, hotels booked, vans rented, games set up, fun time planned.  It was all set.  And then we took off.  Things went so smooth.  All of my planning had paid off.  The girls were handed off to their host families successfully Friday night.  Saturday, they played amazing and won their first ever high school game.  Saturday night, the girls played in the ocean as the sun set, we took pictures, walked on the boardwalk.  I mean, it was going PERFECT.  I was feeling pretty damn good about it all.

And then Saturday night hit.  En route to dinner, the team was walking down Venice Blvd, everyone laughing, talking, having a great time.  The girl ahead of me threw her arm up in the air and starting to shake.  I thought she was goofing around, but as she went to the ground, something didn't seem right.  She was still shaking.  I ran up and kneeled down over her, then realized at that moment she was having a Grand Mal seizure.  I grabbed her, rolled her to her side and held her hand.  All of the girls stopped, dead in their tracks and started to surround us.  Her lips started turning purple, then her cheeks.  Her mom was with us, but she was in the lead, so it took a few seconds to get the word up to her. 

The seizure lasted about a minute, but it was one of the longest minutes of my life.  One of my girls  called 9-1-1.  Her mom was a nurse and knew exactly what to do.  The ambulance arrived really fast and took control.  She came to fairly quickly and was able to answer the paramedics questions.  By the time they left, we knew she was going to be okay.  The other 2 parents took the girls to go eat while I got all the information from the medics on where they were taking her.  By the time it was all done, I was there alone on the sidewalk.  And I was scared.  Really scared.

No amount of planning, no amount of anticipating, predicting or guessing could have stopped this from happening.  It was her first ever, caused by extreme dehydration.  A freak event per se.  There was nothing I could have done to prevent it or prepare anyone for it.  So what do you think I did?  I thought about it.  I thought about WHY I think so much about things.  I thought about the problems that have arisen because of my over planning.  I thought about what I could do differently. And I thought about changes that I needed to make in my life.

I used to embrace my over-thinking.  I prided myself in the fact that you could never pull one over on me.  I can see it coming from miles away.  And I can push you out before you ever had a chance to get in.  But then I wonder, how many people did I push away wrongfully?  How many times did I dodge a bullet that was never coming my way?  And how many times did I ultimately become a self-fulfilled prophecy by making the situations turn out the way I "knew they would"?

We, as human beings, strive to find some permanence in our lives.  As much as try to be free spirits, the reality is, most of us can't handle the unknown.  So we try to look ahead and find something to grasp onto.  And how do you even attempt to see into your future?  By looking into your past.  You use your past experiences to try and predict future events.  I am more guilty of this than most people.  According to my "geno-type", I am an explorer. I am designed by evolution to be this way.  I'm wired to anticipate and react before I get killed.  So, it's not my fault you see...

But, life never follows the same paths.  Each situation has its own unique set of circumstances.  And the moment you try to distinguish between the past and the future, you forget to live the moment.  This time that you're in RIGHT NOW passes you by.  We get so caught up worrying about what's next, that we neglect our present life.  No matter how hard I try, I can not successfully predict the future.  Weird, huh?

I think change is needed in my life.  I've pigeonholed myself for too long and I'm ready to try something new. So, scratch that... no more "thinking", how about KNOWING that change is needed in my life and making it happen NOW.  I want to enjoy this time I'm in right now.  I want to meet someone and give them a fresh start.  I want to laugh and love and live like I've never cried before.  I want to see everyone for who they really are, and not who I think they are.  I want to be a little naive.  A little green.  And be taken away by something that I didn't expect. 

Today is the start of a new way of living for me.

A balanced living. 

Change is tough

April 16, 2013

I've always thought men don't see me as someone to settle down with.  I am the cool girl. I'm fun and easy to be around.  I don't push myself on anyone.  I demand very little.  Which, for some reason, doesn't translate into long term relationship material.

I also play the cool card.  I test the waters very gently. I don't act overly interested.  And if there's even a hint that you don't feel the same, I run.  I'm extremely insecure when it comes to men.  And I am deathly afraid of rejection.

I'm always amazed and impressed by women who just lay it all out with no hesitations. How do you put yourself out there without dying of embarrassment?  How do you change someone's perception of who you are?  How do you convince someone that you really are a long term type of gal?

I don't have "standards", I never have. There is no measuring bar that I hold men to.  Well, aside from the small little thing about them being stronger than me (I can't be with a sissy boy who I can out wrestle!). But aside from that, I've never really stopped to think what it is I want out of a relationship.

When I'm single, I am fiercely independent, spontaneous, adventurous and (quasi) confident.  Yet, when I enter into a relationship, I become the person I'm with.  I take on their personality traits.. their lows become my lows, their highs become my highs.  I become so intertwined with who THEY are that I forget who I am.

I will give you my all... and more if I have it.  I'll do whatever I can to take away your pain, to make your day brighter, to make your life easier, to block you from your own insecurities.  I'll make you feel special everyday.  I'll become so obsessed with making sure you're happy, that I'll pretend it's my own happiness.  And I won't ask for anything but love in return.

But there comes a point where I break - where I can't give anymore.  My cup empties and filling yours up no longer satisfies me.  I give to the point of exhaustion.  And because I never asked anything from you in the past, you won't understand what's changed in me.  I've done it to myself.  I set the bar too low for my own needs and put yours ahead of mine.  It won't seem fair to you because i never let you know.

But then, I think you should have just known.  You should have WANTED to love me back just as much... to give me the moon and the stars... to fill my cup.  And to make me feel as special as I've made you feel.

So, this goes back to putting yourself out there.  Demanding equality in the relationship.  Realizing your own needs and not settling.  And not being afraid of walking away when you don't get it back in return.

I guess this is the time in my life when I need to find my standards.  Decide what my deal breakers are along with things I cannot live without. Put my needs on the same level as theirs.

I will still give you all of myself... I like that about me.  I genuinely love making you feel like the most important person in the world.  But this time, I want the same in return.  I DEMAND the same in return.

Who knew Honduras?

It was probably the last place I would have looked, but it popped up on a website as one of the best beaches in Central America.  And now, I'm about thiiiiiiis close to buying an airline ticket to Roatan, Honduras.  Sorry Belize, but maybe another time.

I've narrowed it down to few hotels, a couple all-inclusive, a couple very rustic. All are on (or damn close) to the beach, that is a requirement.   Now, on one hand,  I've done the budget travel -- in fact, that's all I've ever done -- and I'm totally down with that again.  BUT, on the other hand, if it's just me, myself and I - maybe there should be a bit of pampering along the way.  I do get hit with a twinge of guilt staying at a fairly nice resort while vacationing in a very underdeveloped country, which is why I haven't booked the hotel yet. Do I just get over it and go posh, or do I stay low-key and go basic?

I'm also trying to decide the best dates. (First. World. Problems.)  Do I go right after school gets out, before the dreadful drive to North Dakota?  Or, do I go at the end of summer, as sort of a "last hoorah" before school starts up again?

ACK, too many questions, right?!?!  Shit, there's another question!  Dammit.  This is where I wish I had someone to come along, to help with this process, so I don't end up overthinking, rethinking and ultimately never making a decision until its too late... I'm nervous to hit the "purchase now" button, but I know that no matter what I chose, it is going to fill up my soul and put a smile on my face.  So, I can't really go wrong, can I?

Ready to go...

I've been reading over a lot of my old blogs recently and I'm thinking it might be time to revisit writing...  I've been bit by the travel bug again and I am itching to get out and see the world again.  It's been way too long and my soul could use a little invigorating. One of the most sure fired ways to me back on track is to get out and go!

Now, if you know me, you should know that I won't be waiting too long to get on the road.  In fact, I was thiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to buying an airline ticket to Belize today.  I want to do a little more research on where I'm going first, but you best believe I'll be leaving the good old US of A within the next few months. Whether it's Central America, Europe or an island in the Pacific, I know I want to find a beach, and surfing, and an ice cold cerveza. 

I've always been a very independent person who has had great adventures when traveling alone... and I'm more than willing to do it again... but I'm not going to lie -- I'd like to have someone to go with me.  So, if you have a little impulsive side, a zest for life, a sense of adventure and genuinely love to laugh, hit me up and maybe we could travel together...

"It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive."

Where'd you go??

Oh, I've been around. Just too busy to get pics up. So, here's the last 5 months in pictures...

Summer in Bismarck
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/BismarckSummerFun2011?authkey=Gv1sRgCIyq5JGy_eabgwE

Prairie Rose State Games - Triathlon
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/PrairieRoseStateGamesTriathlon?authkey=Gv1sRgCJWpy_z3z8n62AE

Prairie Rose State Games - Rugby
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/PrairieRoseStateGamesRugby?authkey=Gv1sRgCILH54vj54re7AE

Me and Kevin over the last 18 months
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/KTNMe

"Warrior Dash" Mud Run:
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/WarriorDashPortlandSept112011?authkey=Gv1sRgCO-6saXDlMb6SQ

"Mud, Sweat & Beers" Mud Run:
https://picasaweb.google.com/tonifuji/MorphSuitsRuleMudSweatBeers?authkey=Gv1sRgCI_prejo2snuDA

Looking for a reason to believe

Everything happens for a reason, right? Out of darkness comes light. Rollercoasters' got to roll to the bottom if you want to climb to the top again. I'm trying to keep my chin up and just take each experience as an opportunity to grow. But fuck, enough already. I've learned enough lessons in the past year to get me through a lifetime.

I got hit today with another friend whose life was ended too soon. Another great soul who made everyone around him laugh. A real charismatic man that had an amazing zest for life.

So, of course, this makes me start thinking about all the important people in my life. And it also makes me think about who I'm choosing to hold near to me and why. Why are there people still in my life, close to my heart, who I know are going to hurt me? Am I sucker for pain? Deep down, do I enjoy the misery as much as they do? I want to think its because I have faith in them. I believe so much that they are better than they give them self credit. I want to think that I am the exception, not the rule. I want to be the special one.

But maybe I need to get my heads out of the clouds and accept it for what it is. Listen to what my head is saying and not my heart. Stop letting my heart lead me astray. I actually did this for the last couple months. I kept myself emotionally detached. I was able to keep my head and heart separate. So why now am I falling back into that trap of feeling too much again? Time to refocus, shove my heart down and let my head do all the thinking.

I'm sick of feeling hurt. I'm sick of feeling loss. I'm sick of being disappointed. And I am the only one that can change what I allow to hurt me.

R.I.P. Jason... tell Babb hello for us.
Hardwater.

Return to the Scene of the Crime

I just thought I'd share an awesome episode of "This American Life". I first heard it this summer, driving to Yellowstone and I think I've listened to it a dozen times since. If you're short on time, go right to Act One (@11:17) - it makes me laugh and then fast forward to Act Three (@37:47) - it makes me cry.

Return To The Scene Of The Crime

And then I heard a great quote today and it seemed to just make so much sense to me:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different"

You can't change the past... you can leave doors open, but the past is the past and we can only hope to learn and move forward. I often find myself returning the scene of the crime - be it good or bad, but I think maybe its time to forge ahead and leave the past where it belongs.

No Scars, No Stories

Everybody has their share of battle scars... but as a friend once told me "No Scars, No Stories". Scars say that you have taken risks, that you have gone to battle and that you have lived to tell the story. And let me tell ya, I've got a lot of scars. And each one has a pretty good story behind it.

There's the physical scars, the ones you can see... Like the one on my lip from where my sister cracked me in the face with a Tupperware cup (who knew water fights could be so dangerous), or the ones on my knees from years of playing rugby at Fuller's Farm (all those years of picking gravel out Saturday after Saturday).

Then there's the scars to the ego. This is when I throw caution to the wind and just dive in without thinking. I get caught up in moments and go against my better judgment. Kind of like the time I let peer pressure get to me and took that KTM 525 out for a "spin", but ended up in a well and flying over the handlebars ala Superman style. I KNEW it wasn't a good idea, but goddammit if I didn't need to show that I could hang with the boys in the Baja.

And finally there's the scars of the soul... these are a lot harder to heal. My problem is, I don't really let them fully heal before diving in again. I know that the only way I've ever "moved on" is by jumping in to something else... whether it was when I tried to quit rugby and got into triathlons or moving from one relationship to the next. I never let my heart heal, instead, I just pre-occupy myself with something (or someone) else. And if there isn't something to distract me, I pine and dream and reminisce about the "good ole days"... hell, who am I kidding, even when there IS a viable distraction, I still find myself comparing and sizing it up, which is why I am still playing rugby and why I still haven't let go of this last chapter.

Distraction is such a great way to convince yourself that your okay. Ignore the problem and it doesn't exist, right? Get attention from someone else so they can tell you that you're still worthy, still good enough, still a hot commodity. But, shouldn't you already know that without someone having to tell you? Easier said then done. So this time, I think I'm going to work on getting my ego satisfaction on my own. I'm going to try not to jump into anything else until I am REALLY, REALLY ready, not because I'm being pursued. I get to decide when the time is right. Maybe then I'll stop ending up with the cheaters and the liars and the attention whores who will always be looking for greener grass on the other side.

"And today, you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out is a blessing, can't you see? Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well."




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tex0U7qS7h4

Permeable Membrane

THREE BLOGS IN ONE WEEK?!?!?! Yep, I'm on break with nothing else to do...

I went to see Eat, Pray, Love today... its the first time in years that I've gone to the movies by myself. In fact, I think the last time I did was in 2004, when I was living in New Zealand. I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in Queenstown... Anyway, I'm digressing.

I went in thinking it was going to be a nice, romantic comedy about a woman finding herself. I was in the mood for light-hearted. But, it turned out to be a biography of my life. Every moment of that film, I knew exactly what this woman was going through. I could relate to the need to escape and find yourself... letting go of the guilt and blame... and finding balance. It was uncanny. The only difference was her Italy/India/Bali were my 2 summers in Yelapa. Oh, and I didn't find some hot Brazillian to fall in love with me... dammit.

There were so many great quotes in the movie that could have been taken directly from my own life experiences. But there was one quote early on that was so profound:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?

But I disappear into the person I love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything.

If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.

I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. I've always known I was an "all-or-nothing" relationship type person, but to have it put so perfectly into words... No wonder it is so difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships. And why the only way I've ever been able to move on, is by finding someone new. Problem is, its hard to replace someone when no one else can quite compare. (Oh geez, that sounded an awful lot like a Sinead O'Connor song...)

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m bothered that I seem to only be able to find happiness and security when I am in love. I guess its one more thing I can feel guilty about. But there's something to be said about giving it your all and knowing you're not alone. Will I ever learn to not give my everything to my relationship? I doubt it - this is who I am and because I know that giving my all is so much better than not giving anything.

"This is a good sign... having a broken heart... It means we have tried for something."

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

"You must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. "

Making Differences...

I can't tell you how awesome it is to be back teaching World History and even Economics. I was scared as hell to be teaching at an alternative school, with all the negative stigma that's attached to it. But they know this is their last chance and together I'm helping them make a huge step towards a real future.

It is incredible the number of students who have touched my life in such a short amount of time. I have recovering alcoholics and heroin addicts, I have 21 year old drop outs, I have the ones who dreaded going to school for fear of someone noticing that they were different, I have the kids who's parents have given up on them, I have the losers, the outcasts and the painfully shy... and I couldn't ask for anything better.

The economics class that I thought would be terrible, has turned out to be one of the best opportunities to teach kids about social injustice. I get SENIORS, the ones who are actually interested in learning about how money makes the world go 'round... and why that is such a fucked up way to live! Every day they're bombarded with ads and commercials and news saying how important money is... and I get to teach them who gets screwed over in the process.

As much as people like to tell me that its too late and one person can't change the world, I tell my students that through their voices they have the ability to make their generation the best... or the worst. That its up to them to stop the downward spiral we're on. I tell them that in order to make a change, we have to be compassionate about our fellow neighbors... to care about those less fortunate and to help where you can.

I don't think I could ask for a better place to work...

Sometimes you watch something and gives you goosebumps - this is one of those times:

Click here: Tyler Mali - What Teachers Make

Its just me

I was looking back at some old notes and found this one from a couple years ago. It cracked me up so I thought I would share it again...

25 Random Facts about T. Fuji

1. The first (and only) time I've gotten stitches was because my sister hit me in the mouth with a tupperware cup while we were in a water fight in the 6th grade.

2. I was voted "most energetic" in the 8th grade.

3. When I was 4 years old, I was pulling a t-shirt off my head and it got stuck, so I walked out of my room to get help and fell down the entire flight of stairs at my apartment.

4. In 11th grade, Chad Lutz convinced me to try Copenhagen, so I did... and ended up throwing up in the school bathroom.

5. While at Outdoor School, in the 6th grade, we were so excited for the BIG last campfire, that we were all running to get there. Someone called my name, I turned around and ran straight into a pole.... knocking myself out. No campfire for me.

6. I cry every time Grandpa Chook dies in "The Power of One".

7. I was MVP of my 7th grade basketball team.

8. I've had metal in my mouth since I was 7 years old. Still do today.

9. I have had the same dentist since I was 4 years old. He totally loves me.

10. My first boyfriend was Sam Houston in the 8th grade - our first date? The Def Leppard, Hysteria, concert.

11. The boy who holds my V-card is now married to the lead singer of The Dandy Warhols.

12. I was the first female inductee into the Jester Underground Gorilla Syndicate (aka JUGS).

13. My favorite movie in elementary school was "The Black Stallion" - I watched it every day after school for about 3 years. My dream in life was to be a jockey. I would make fake saddles and pretend to race in my living room.

14. When I was 5 years old, my family was on a rafting trip and I saw Mt. St. Helens erupt... when I told my mom the mountain was blowing up, she told me it was just some clouds. WRONG.

15. My first ever bloody nose came from my step-sister. I was 6, we were on the top bunk in the motorhome, playing shark - she got freaked out and kicked me in the face.

16. My first ever concussion also came from my step-sister. I was 5, we were at Wallowa Lake and she had me sitting on the handlebars of her bike. We were flying down the hill... until my foot got stuck in the spokes and we stopped SUDDENLY. I flew off, hit my head, got knocked out and threw up all night long. My parents decided it wasn't that big of a deal, so no hospital for me.

17. I learned how to ride a motorcycle before I learned how to ride a bicycle. But I was so short that my dad had to take the seat off the motorcycle so I could touch the ground.

18. When I was 18, I was the first women to ever pass the City of Sandy Fire Department physical agility test. Every member of the fire department came out to watch me...

19. I bought a violin 4 years ago and its my dream to learn how to play. So far, I can play Silent Night, Mary had a little lamb and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... would you like to hear me play?

20. My first crush was in the 2nd grade... who was the lucky guy? Huey Lewis, who was then replaced by Mike Donahue (from Channel 6 news) in the 3rd grade.

21. I once got a referral in the 2nd grade for giving my sister birthday spankings before school. I didn't get to go to the Good Guys Assembly because of it. That was the only referral my sister ever got.

22. My first referral was in Kindergarten because it was my turn to take in the tetherballs and Curtis Monte told me "You can't do it, you're a girl"... well, I already had one in my hand so I decided to whack him upside the head with it. He went flying, skinned up his knees and face - I got a referral and a lot of spankings from my mom.

23. I once drove my car through a metal chain (that I clearly did not see) and ended up breaking the window out of my car and knocking out a huge chunk of Bondo from the side panel.

24. I hate scary movies - in fact, I can hardly watch the COMMERCIALS for scary movies, let alone the movie itself. I get anxiety attacks when I watch them.

25. And the Grand Finale.... drum roll please.... I can roll my tongue into four-leaf clover.

So there you go, more information than you ever wanted to know about me :)

Can you go back?

I want to go back to Yelapa. But, I want Bryce and Marty and Bryn and Jon to all be there. I want those jam sessions that lasted til the sun came up, and swimming at 2 in the morning and kayaking across the bay to Casa Isabel and hikes up the waterfall. I want to adventure down on the back of that motorcycle, with nothing to do but enjoy the road ahead… I want to drink until the sun goes down and get back on the road before the sun comes back up. I want to walk along the beach with a giant Styrofoam cup full of Sangria watching the waves crash on the beach. But I know it’ll never be like that again. Once you leave, you can never go back…

I want to go back to that cold winter day in February, when I stepped of the plane and knew that THIS is how happy I should always be. To feel so incredibly safe that it seemed like you could take on the world as long as you had each other. To believe, for the first time in so long, that I was the most important thing to someone. To wake up smiling because real life was better than your dreams. But, like those SCUBA diving adventures, it can’t last forever. That feeling can be taken away in the blink of an eye... and once you leave, you can never go back.

Life is supposed to be about enjoying the moment as its happening. Soak it up and take it in as much as you can, because you never know how long it’s going to last. Stop assuming you have forever. You have to think that THIS ONE MOMENT may be your last so breathe it in, remember the touch, the emotions, the taste… If you live your life for today and have no expectations about tomorrow, you won’t get disappointed. You have to able to walk away with the memories, hold on to that feeling deep in your heart and be okay with letting go. No expectations – no disappointments.

I know I’m lucky to even have been able to experience these things even once in my life. I have some of the greatest memories… and it’s these memories that carry you through the tough times. The times when all you can do is look at pictures to find that smile you thought you lost. They’ll get you through the moments when all you want to do hold on and never let go…when all you can do is think about the possibilities…




You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

Times like these

OH, how I love the Northwest!! If ever there was a time when I needed to get out of AZ, get out of my head and just let lose, this was it. Okay, so maybe we got our asses handed to us in rugby, but the rest of the weekend was pretty damn awesome.

When your weekend starts off with a stylin, bright red, 4 door HHR, you know it's gonna be a good one. Although, we will still have to complain about the single cupholder in the back (sorry Macko!). Now, ending the weekend with missing car keys kind of sucked, but I did find them buried DEEP in the bottom of my bag, only after resorting to the hide-a-key first.

So, real fast, a quick recap of the game... we were down 0-7 at halftime against the 4th best team in the Nation. I should stop there, because that makes it sound like it wasn't too bad. BUT, we killed ourselves and let those damn Breakers score way too many points in the 2nd half. Final score... ugh... 33-0. Yeah, like I said, we got our asses handed to us.

But, I heart my rugby girls and my Seattle peeps. Big love to SherriPie for making the drive up from Portland to hang out a little. Big love to AmyWusse for her hospitality and all around greatness. Big love to Mongo for coming ALL THE WAY over to the westside to party with us and then drive me ALL THE WAY back to the eastside so we could party even more with ETP and Flowbee. Ending the weekend with Sunday football and bloody beers and sunsets at the beach was a perfectly lazy way to cap it off.

I am sad that I missed the big ORSU game in Portland on Sunday, and that I missed the new jersey honoring our beloved Babb... but, a 41-0 victory over the Valkyries tells me that OTD is back and playing their hearts out for Lindsay. GO JESTERS!

Every time I head up to Seattle it comes at a perfect moment in my life. A time when I need to be surrounded by my closest friends and bestest buddies. A time when I just need to laugh (a lot) and be reminded that life is fucking good.

Great people, great energy and great times. Thanks Seattle :)

It Starts Here.

I used to be a pretty happy go lucky kid. I used to laugh ALL the time, smile for no reason and make those around me laugh too. I was confident in who I was and didn't doubt my path. But recently, I've felt that slipping away from me. And I realized that the more I encounter deceitful people, the more the wind has been taken out of my sail.

I hate - emphasize HATE - being let down. Disappointment eats at my very core. And the worst disappointment, is when you truly believe, with every ounce of your being, that someone is a good person. You give them every benefit of the doubt, defend them to all the nay-sayers, and trust that they have only good intentions. And being a semi-untrusting person to begin with, makes all this even harder because I'm not one to let a whole lot of people in.

So, before its too late, I need to figure out how to turn this around! I have always been a big believer in the power of positive vibes. That if you think good thoughts, good things WILL happen. And I know that lately I've let myself get sidetracked by a lot of negative thoughts. Its so easy to get sucked into someone else's world and forget what makes YOU truly happy.

I think after major let downs in my life, I need to remind myself of all the great things I enjoy most. So, its back to ME (again). Back to reminding myself of all the things that make me really, really happy... like adventuring outdoors (well, once this damn triple digits weather goes away), and playing rugby with awesome peeps (old age and treachery baby!), and teaching my students every day how to be better people (along with some history and econ too), and going home to see my family (miss you guys!) and traveling (time to get out of the country again).

So, I'm sorry if I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but its so easy to forget these things when you let yourself get stuck in a moment. I hope the next blog is about my next big adventure... Baja 1000? Motorcycle trip to anywhere? SCUBA in Yelapa? Hiking Machu Pichu? RWC in New Zealand? Sure, why not!

Quotes for the day (courtesy of Rob & Big):

"I love it every time someone gets their heart full. "

Just Me...

Third Times a Charm...

Or is it "three strikes and you're out"...

As I mature (ahem), I consider myself to be more of a thinker these days... working smarter, not harder. You're supposed to get better with age, right? Like a fine wine just waiting to be uncorked and enjoyed. I'm learning from my mistakes but not being afraid to make more. You can't succeed unless you've failed a few times.

I've been fighting this for awhile now... wondering if I COULD do it. I know I have a lot to offer, I know that I am a worthy mate... but I didn't know if my mind and my body could handle the abuse. I don't like being hurt. I don't like dealing with the pain. BUT, if you're gonna do it, you just have to accept that these things are inevitable. And fighting through the pain is what makes the reward sooooo much better.

So, I decided last spring to come out of my third retirement. My third attempt at leaving the game I love was, yet again, an epic failure. I lasted 6 months this time (if you don't count the occasional b-side game and 7's matches)... my longest so far. But, much like other things in my life that I love with all my heart, I am finding it impossible to walk away.

And now, after 16 seasons, I'm back in the pack. Back playing with the big girls. Tackling girls twice my size... and running them over just as much. This doesn't bode well for my aging body. And it makes me wonder how long I'll be able to last if I'm in the thick of it 80 minutes a week. BUT, maybe I'll surprise myself. Maybe my body will love the opportunity to make big hit after big hit.

Its not like I'm gonna quit. I'm in this to win it. I'd love to end it on a high note... one more shot at a title. I don't want to look back and regret not abusing my body when I still had the opportunity. There's plenty of years left to coach, so for now, I play.

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. AMEN.

Out There, For All The World To See

I was just reading back to past blogs and looking at a bunch of pics from the last few years... so much has happened that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. Its crazy to see how much I have grown and how much I've learned about myself, just by reading a few entries and seeing some old photos.

As much as this blog was supposed to be about my big adventures in life, its turned into more of a processing place for me. You all know that I'm an external processor... and that I put my life on display. You can criticize me for being too much out there, for sharing too much, but for me, its how I heal. Its how I figure out if I'm on the right path or not. There's never going to be a time when you question how I feel about you. If you're important to me, if you matter in my life, I'm going to tell you. I think its safe to say that there have never been secrets with me. What you see is what you get.

Now, I have been on some super fun adventures but I've also done a lot of awesome nothingness. As much as I love being out there, trekking around, seeing the world... I think I've realized that down time is almost just as good. I used to have to pack my life full, so that I didn't have the down time, because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. But lately, I'm realizing that I really like who I am and I like my thoughts. So, being alone with them, isn't the worst thing in the world.

And up until recently, I was convinced that you could always forgive, but never forget... I thought "I will not be a victim because I choose to tackle things head on. I don't let myself be blindsided"... what that really meant was "I'm on to you... and I'm waiting for the moment you lie to me or break my trust". By holding on to the hurts of the past and the betrayal, it only makes me a vulnerable to it again. So this time around, I'm thinking that a little lapse in memory isn't the worst thing. Because if you can forget the hurt, forget the pain, it'll open you up to the right person.

The sun is still shining.
The smiles are still here.
Life is still good.

October 2006...

To Today...

Everything is gonna be okay

"Don't cry because its over... Smile because it happened."

Simple, right?

I love Dr. Suess. Always have. I remember reading "Oh, the Places You'll Go", and realizing as an adult that this would be my mantra in life. But my favorite Dr. Suessism, is that quote... Right now, thems be some powerful words for me.

I think its easy for people (and by "people", I mean "me") to immediately throw a pity party when things don't work out the way you'd hoped. To go to that dark place and start thinking about all the things you should have said, or the things you could have done... but this time, I'm gonna go a different route. This time, I think so many positives came out of the all too familiar ending, that I can't look too hard on the negatives.

I've come to accept certain inevitabilities in life... and the more you come to terms with these things, the easier they are to deal with. I've said it many times before but I'll say it again... there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out and falling in love, even if it the feeling isn't returned. To know that you are capable of loving someone unconditionally and that even when things go really bad you can still find the good is a very powerful feeling.

So, rather then dwell, I'm thankful for the experience. Thankful that I've come one step closer to truly being happy with me. I wouldn't trade the feelings I felt this last few months for anything. To know what its like to feel safe and protected, to get butterflies from just a look, to be in comforting arms... no matter how fleeting the moment... those are the things I will cherish from this experience.

Life is what you make it and I plan on making the most out of it :)