Recently I've been doing a little research ... a little investigation... a little searching. And what I found out is -- I think too much -- I mean WAY too much. As in, I'm a chronic over-thinker who attempts to predict and pre-emptively strike any situation that comes my way. I'm constantly on the look out to hurdle any obstacle, sidestep any potential hazards and push away anything that could hold me back. I anticipate any possible encounter and come up with a million different responses -- just in case.
Except, most of my preconceived ideas are just that... preconceived... made up in my head. And shockingly - things never quite work out the way I imagined them to be. So all that thinking and planning and rethinking and replanning was for naught. All this wasted time and wasted energy trying to anticipate something I have no control over. And then more time wasted in replaying the moment and what I SHOULD have said or what I COULD have done better.
This weekend, I took 19 teenage girls on a road trip to California. I had 3 months to plan this trip. 3 months to figure out every possible kink. 3 months to imagine every possible scenario. 3 months to get everything worked out perfectly. I had emergency contact information, permission slips signed, itineraries given to every parent, hotels booked, vans rented, games set up, fun time planned. It was all set. And then we took off. Things went so smooth. All of my planning had paid off. The girls were handed off to their host families successfully Friday night. Saturday, they played amazing and won their first ever high school game. Saturday night, the girls played in the ocean as the sun set, we took pictures, walked on the boardwalk. I mean, it was going PERFECT. I was feeling pretty damn good about it all.
And then Saturday night hit. En route to dinner, the team was walking down Venice Blvd, everyone laughing, talking, having a great time. The girl ahead of me threw her arm up in the air and starting to shake. I thought she was goofing around, but as she went to the ground, something didn't seem right. She was still shaking. I ran up and kneeled down over her, then realized at that moment she was having a Grand Mal seizure. I grabbed her, rolled her to her side and held her hand. All of the girls stopped, dead in their tracks and started to surround us. Her lips started turning purple, then her cheeks. Her mom was with us, but she was in the lead, so it took a few seconds to get the word up to her.
The seizure lasted about a minute, but it was one of the longest minutes of my life. One of my girls called 9-1-1. Her mom was a nurse and knew exactly what to do. The ambulance arrived really fast and took control. She came to fairly quickly and was able to answer the paramedics questions. By the time they left, we knew she was going to be okay. The other 2 parents took the girls to go eat while I got all the information from the medics on where they were taking her. By the time it was all done, I was there alone on the sidewalk. And I was scared. Really scared.
No amount of planning, no amount of anticipating, predicting or guessing could have stopped this from happening. It was her first ever, caused by extreme dehydration. A freak event per se. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it or prepare anyone for it. So what do you think I did? I thought about it. I thought about WHY I think so much about things. I thought about the problems that have arisen because of my over planning. I thought about what I could do differently. And I thought about changes that I needed to make in my life.
I used to embrace my over-thinking. I prided myself in the fact that
you could never pull one over on me. I can see it coming from miles
away. And I can push you out before you ever had a chance to get in.
But then I wonder, how many people did I push away wrongfully? How many
times did I dodge a bullet that was never coming my way? And how many
times did I ultimately become a self-fulfilled prophecy by making the
situations turn out the way I "knew they would"?
We, as human beings, strive to find some permanence in our lives. As much as try to be free spirits, the reality is, most of us can't handle the unknown. So we try to look ahead and find something to grasp onto. And how do you even attempt to see into your future? By looking into your past. You use your past experiences to try and predict future events. I am more guilty of this than most people. According to my "geno-type", I am an explorer. I am designed by evolution to be this way. I'm wired to anticipate and react before I get killed. So, it's not my fault you see...
But, life never follows the same paths. Each situation has its own unique set of circumstances. And the moment you try to distinguish between the past and the future, you forget to live the moment. This time that you're in RIGHT NOW passes you by. We get so caught up worrying about what's next, that we neglect our present life. No matter how hard I try, I can not successfully predict the future. Weird, huh?
I think change is needed in my life. I've pigeonholed myself for too long and I'm ready to try something new. So, scratch that... no more "thinking", how about KNOWING that change is needed in my life and making it happen NOW. I want to enjoy this time I'm in right now. I want to meet someone and give them a fresh start. I want to laugh and love and live like I've never cried before. I want to see everyone for who they really are, and not who I think they are. I want to be a little naive. A little green. And be taken away by something that I didn't expect.
Today is the start of a new way of living for me.
A balanced living.
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