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Someone very close to me recently asked me why I think I'm such a bad over-thinker and over-planner because they have the same problems... I'm pretty sure it's the same reason why some people avoid confrontation at all costs, why others have to control every situation, why some chose to live in blissful ignorance, and why, well, I think you get the point.  We do these things to protect ourselves.  No matter if you were raised by the Leave it to Beaver clan or the Married with Children family, or like most, something very much in between, we all developed our own defense mechanisms. Even if you think you were raised in the best situation possible, you create defenses to make sure that fairytale is never disturbed.  And if you were raised on the other end of the spectrum, you create defenses to make sure you get what you need, when you need it.

The early, formidable years of my life were definitely a bit on the "hectic" side.  I'm a firm believer that my tendencies now to over-think and over-plan come from trying to keep some sense of predictability in my life.  I know that if I'm the one the set it up, I'm the only one to blame if it goes wrong.  I don't want to rely on anyone else because I'm pretty sure, at some point, they'll let me down.  And I can't handle someone I care about, a lot, failing in front of me.  So, rather than set someone up for failure, I'll save you and me a lot of headache by just taking care of it myself.  And it's not that I don't think someone else is incapable, I just don't want to risk getting mad or frustrated or being disappointed in them.  

But, the new me is trying to be better about this.  The new me isn't putting so much weight in being disappointed or let down.  These things happen and are a fact of life, so there's no point trying to stop it from happening.  The new me is rolling with the punches.  And actually, by not dwelling on the what if's and instead focusing on the right now, I've been doing pretty good.  It takes some work to not let your mind start wandering to the unknown.  And I'm getting better about stopping my thoughts before they go into a spiral of planning.  And guess what?  I haven't been disappointed by anyone in quite a while.  Sure, I wish some people made different choices, but if I don't take it personal, I can let it roll off my shoulder.  It's actually kind of weird taking positive spins on life... not assuming the worst... and just letting nature take it's course. 

The last couple months, I've had big changes in my life.  In the past, I would have handled it much differently.  Losing someone hurts, especially when they're your best friend. The love is still there, but the blame is gone.  There's no dwelling on how things could have been better.  It's actually kind of nice knowing that I gave it my all, so that there was no regrets.  I wouldn't have changed the way I loved.  Some may say I did too much, but for this relationship, it was just right.  It sucks not having my friend, someone to just talk about nothing with, but I know that I gave everything I had.  So in the end, there was nothing more I could have done.  Coming to terms with it wasn't easy, but it didn't kill me.  (Hmmm - this has nothing to do with the topic of this blog, I guess I just needed to get that out...)