Small Steps... big changes.

So this whole “living in the moment” thing isn’t as easy as I thought. I’m finding that it takes a lot of hard work to not let the past creep up on you and even more work to not try and predict what the future holds.  I keep catching myself playing out a scenario in my head a dozen different ways before I stop it and literally tell myself “don’t worry about the future, enjoy THIS MOMENT”.  Sounds silly, I know, but it works.  I’m actually considering taping those exact words on the dash of my car and on my phone and next to my bed, because that seems to be where most the over-thinking takes place.

I have to remember though, that there’s a difference between dwelling on the past and using the past as a learning experience.  Because they are two very different things.  With the first, you feel guilty or remorseful and wish you could change it.  With the latter, you relish the experiences and strive to improve off of them.   The past can be a good thing... if you see it for what it is.  The key is to not let yourself be soured by it or allow it to hold you back from the now.

The first time I truly traveled by myself was when I was living in New Zealand.  Now, I had attempted it one time before when I was backpacking through Europe, but that only lasted 5 days before I was reunited with people I knew.  New Zealand was a whole other experience.  Traveling the country alone, while my husband stayed home in Oregon.  I was searching, not just for an adventure, but for who I was.  The fact that I had left Rod, knowing I’d be gone for months without seeing him, and I was okay with that, should have told me more than I was willing to admit at the time.

I had a really hard time stepping outside my comfort zone for the first few weeks.  I was SO closed off.  Afraid to talk to strangers, not sure if they would like me or if I was “cool” enough to hang with the solo travelers.  I was older, married and new at this game.  I studied every movement that people made.  The way they talked to other people, the gear they had, the food they bought, how they looked at me.  I definitely didn’t think I belonged with this group of free-spirits.

And then one day,  I was riding a bus from Christchurch to Queenstown (about an 8 hour ride) and along the way, I was reading “Me Talk Pretty One Day”.  At points on the ride, I was quite literally, LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was trying really eff’ing hard not to snort at some of the stories.  I know a couple people on the bus were looking at me, but I couldn’t help it!

When I got to the hostel in Queenstown, I checked in and got to my bed.  It was a big open room with about 5 or 6 other backpackers.  I found a nice spot in the corner and pulled out my map.  That’s when someone came over and stood next to me.  I looked up and recognized that he had been on the bus with me.  He had a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  I couldn’t help but smile back.  That’s when he asked me what it was I had been reading.  I showed him the book and he told me that he had read it too.

Bam, just like that, I had met a friend.  And that was about all it took.  I talked a little with him and his friends.  We all grabbed a beer that night.  The next day, they all took off to the Milford Sound and I was left feeling empowered.  Maybe I WAS cool enough to be part of the free-spirit crowd.  Or, at least, maybe they were just normal people like me, looking for a friendly face and good conversation.  I had worried so much about what people thought about me, that I never actually stopped to realize that I’m actually kind of fun to be around.  And by laughing uncontrollably on an 8 hour bus ride, I unintentionally opened myself up and became approachable.

It would be another 3  years before I would be a lone traveler again.  And the next time around, I was searching for much more.  I was no longer married, I was in my 30’s and I was lost.  The story of finding myself is one I’ll save for another blog, so for now, let’s relish on the idea of living for THIS MOMENT and not worrying so much about the what-ifs.

There are these turning points in your life, where a lightbulb just turns on and all of the sudden, it’s so clear.  Moments that you can never predict, that turn your life upside down.  And it’s in those moments, that you really feel alive.  Life is about what happens when you’re caught off guard... and it’s how you react that really defines you as a person.

Take a leap of faith and step outside your comfort zone!