Permeable Membrane

THREE BLOGS IN ONE WEEK?!?!?! Yep, I'm on break with nothing else to do...

I went to see Eat, Pray, Love today... its the first time in years that I've gone to the movies by myself. In fact, I think the last time I did was in 2004, when I was living in New Zealand. I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in Queenstown... Anyway, I'm digressing.

I went in thinking it was going to be a nice, romantic comedy about a woman finding herself. I was in the mood for light-hearted. But, it turned out to be a biography of my life. Every moment of that film, I knew exactly what this woman was going through. I could relate to the need to escape and find yourself... letting go of the guilt and blame... and finding balance. It was uncanny. The only difference was her Italy/India/Bali were my 2 summers in Yelapa. Oh, and I didn't find some hot Brazillian to fall in love with me... dammit.

There were so many great quotes in the movie that could have been taken directly from my own life experiences. But there was one quote early on that was so profound:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?

But I disappear into the person I love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything.

If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.

I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. I've always known I was an "all-or-nothing" relationship type person, but to have it put so perfectly into words... No wonder it is so difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships. And why the only way I've ever been able to move on, is by finding someone new. Problem is, its hard to replace someone when no one else can quite compare. (Oh geez, that sounded an awful lot like a Sinead O'Connor song...)

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m bothered that I seem to only be able to find happiness and security when I am in love. I guess its one more thing I can feel guilty about. But there's something to be said about giving it your all and knowing you're not alone. Will I ever learn to not give my everything to my relationship? I doubt it - this is who I am and because I know that giving my all is so much better than not giving anything.

"This is a good sign... having a broken heart... It means we have tried for something."

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

"You must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. "