Be true to yourself…

I am an “in the moment” type of girl. I want the security and the peace of mind that goes with playing it safe , but the reality is, I’m way too impulsive. Which is when I end up ignoring what my gut is telling me. And then I'm left thinking that, while it was good for a moment, there is absolutely nothing satisfying or fullfilling about it in the long term.

Whether its eating that entire burrito (plus the chips that came with it), or buying an SUV I don't really need, or falling in love with the wrong person, that impulsive side of me forgets about the bigger picture. And then I look back and think "What the hell was I doing!?!?" But by that point, its too late. I blindly acted and before I knew it, there was no turning back.

Now, I can run a few extra miles to burn off that burrito and I can stay in a few nights to afford the car payment... but I haven't figured out what to do about the broken heart. You know how some people say "ignorance is bliss"? Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I lived by that motto... but then I realize that not knowing, just means you play the victim when the truth is revealed. And I'm not a victim. Because sometimes, its just not your fault. Sometimes, that other person is so messed up that no matter how much you give and how much you love, their issues are too big.

And then you realize that love and loving someone is never a mistake. As much as it hurts and as much pain as it can cause, there is always so much positive that comes out of opening yourself up to the experience of it all. You learn about yourself in your darkest moments. You learn what you are capable of. You learn that its okay to be vulnerable. And then you realize that you are going to be okay. You are going to come out of it a better person. Because you are capable of loving someone and you can let someone love you. So that when the right person comes along, you are going to make each other happier then anyone can ever imagine.

But you have to take the time to reflect and actually WANT to learn from the pain. The one majojr thing I have learned is that my gut instinct is RIDICULOUSLY accurate. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but when I look back at all the bad things that have happened to me, my gut always told me better. Yet, I still ignored it. Why is that? Why do I go against my better judgment and end up doing something I later regret? I think I'll start working on that.