Everything is gonna be okay

"Don't cry because its over... Smile because it happened."

Simple, right?

I love Dr. Suess. Always have. I remember reading "Oh, the Places You'll Go", and realizing as an adult that this would be my mantra in life. But my favorite Dr. Suessism, is that quote... Right now, thems be some powerful words for me.

I think its easy for people (and by "people", I mean "me") to immediately throw a pity party when things don't work out the way you'd hoped. To go to that dark place and start thinking about all the things you should have said, or the things you could have done... but this time, I'm gonna go a different route. This time, I think so many positives came out of the all too familiar ending, that I can't look too hard on the negatives.

I've come to accept certain inevitabilities in life... and the more you come to terms with these things, the easier they are to deal with. I've said it many times before but I'll say it again... there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out and falling in love, even if it the feeling isn't returned. To know that you are capable of loving someone unconditionally and that even when things go really bad you can still find the good is a very powerful feeling.

So, rather then dwell, I'm thankful for the experience. Thankful that I've come one step closer to truly being happy with me. I wouldn't trade the feelings I felt this last few months for anything. To know what its like to feel safe and protected, to get butterflies from just a look, to be in comforting arms... no matter how fleeting the moment... those are the things I will cherish from this experience.

Life is what you make it and I plan on making the most out of it :)

Saying Goodbye...

Its been a few weeks since my last blog, and yet I still have not been able to find the right words. There is so much I want to say but I have been at a loss. I start to write something, but then erase, re think and find that nothing can quite express what I'm feeling.

So for now, let me just leave you with a thought -- the love that MY community, the rugby community, has shown says more than I could ever begin to start. We lost a good one, scratch that... a great one. And whether you knew her well or merely crossed paths with her, she touched your heart and warmed your soul.

Lindsay Babb, you will be missed terribly, but we will live on with your spirit and laughter guiding us...

Back where I belong :)

Here's how life works out...

As the school year was winding down and I was making my plans to get out of AZ for a few weeks, I realized I had to take that STUPID Arizona endorsement test to prove I could teach math (except, I already did that 5 years ago, in Oregon... yet AZ doesn't seem to think that's good enough). And another test to prove that I had the "professional knowledge" to teach (even though I have my Masters in Teaching and also passed Oregon's version of it 5 years ago). So, I had to push back my summer adventuring by a week. You have no idea how annoyed I was with this. I bitched and I moaned about having to stay another week in the 110 degree weather. Stupid AEPA.

But then, my favorite person was looking like they could come along with me on my road trip... so, I pushed back my plans by another couple weeks. This time, not annoyed, but super excited about having him along with me to share in the adventures together.

And in the time that I pushed back my plans, I took a little looksy on the Gilbert Public Schools website (after a tip that they were hiring). What I found was a ton of job openings... for math. Which, at this point, I had conceded to teaching indefinitely. So, I applied for about 15 math openings.

Then, I took a closer look at the Gilbert Learning Center... which isn't listed in the high schools. Its the alternative school for those who haven't been as successful in the main stream school system. Low and behold, what did I find? Yep, a World History opening. But, the job was closing at the end of the day. So I scrambled to fill out the application and probably made 100 mistakes along the way.

BUT, they called me back! And last Wednesday I had an interview. Wouldn't you know it, it was also the day I had to take my car into the shop, so my only mode of transportation was my motorcycle. Need I remind you that it was 110 degrees... well, I guess it was only 98 at the time of my interview, at 7 o'clock in the morning. But it was enough that with my black helment, I was soaked in sweat by the time I arrived for the interview. Um, not hot. But I guess my interview was off the hook because they loved me! And instead of waiting until Wednesday to tell me I got the job, they called me today to offer me the position...

And now you know what can SUCK IT?!?!? MATH. You know why? Because I am the new World History (and economics. eek.) teacher at Canyon Valley School in Gilbert, AZ (a mere 12 miles from my house). WOOHOO!!

So, fate, you got me again! If I had left when I originally planned, I would have never gotten the tip, never filled out the application, never gotten the interview... and would still be teaching math at Poston Butte way out in the boonies. Instead, I get 3 more weeks of summer break, I get to road trip with my man (and my dog :) and I'm back teaching where I belong.

Butterflies and Punches

I've said it in many other blogs, but I'll say it again. My gut instinct is damn strong. If I listen to it, it will tell me when to jump in head first and throw caution to the wind... and it will also tell me when to stop, assess and ask questions.

When my gut is right about the good things, I get butterflies in my belly. My head is in the clouds and I feel like nothing can go wrong. I smile all day. I laugh. I really, really believe that all is right in my world. It just seems like you can throw anything at me without making me flinch.

I like to ignore my gut sometimes. Both the good and the bad. Sometimes, its just hard to believe that things are as good as they seem. Its like you're sitting around, waiting for it to all go wrong. Instead of just enjoying the hell out of it for as long as it lasts. Nothing lasts forever, we all know that. But instead of waiting for that gloomy moment when it does fall apart, how about enjoying it for the fleeting moments that you have. The here and the now.

And sometimes, I wish my gut didn't tell me EVERY time something was up. Sometimes, I'd like to not know. Sometimes, I'd like to just live in my own little bubble and believe that someone is as blissfully happy with me as I am with them. What's wrong with that? I'm starting to believe that nothing is wrong with a little "turning a blind eye"...

Because when my gut is right about bad things, it feels like someone just punched me in the belly and that I might just throw up. I'm familiar with this feeling. It hasn't been around for a while but it never really goes away. So, I'm just trying to sort out if this visit is just out of old habit, or if it really has something important to say.

So, I sit... and I wait... because one of my new year's resolution was to NEVER ignore my gut,but it was also to learn to be a little more patient. To listen the first time my gut speaks and to ask enough questions so that I'm never blindsided again. But also to be thoughtful enough to listen to the answers to those questions and not jump to the wrong conclusions. It doesn't always work and sometimes it takes a little time for me to analyze it, but I'm coming along...

So, its time to stop making excuses for myself or for other people. Its long past time to start accepting who I am and be okay in my own skin. This is me. Take me or leave me. I'll be fine. I always have been.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.

Summertime... and the livin's easy

Oh boy! Its getting to be that time of the year again - where I start counting down the days, the hours, the minutes til SCHOOL IS OUT. I think I'm worse than the kids. I tell ya though, after the school year I just had, I am definitely in need of a good month and a half off.

This summer, I've decided to stay in the states and check out some of my own backyard. I realize that there is so much here in the U.S. that I have never seen and its time to do something about it! My goal is to check off Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and the Black Hills/Badland areas in South Dakota. I have about 5 weeks to get it all done AND spend a good chunk of time visiting my favorite person in North Dakota.

This time around, I will NOT be doing this trip over Christmas, and therefore I will NOT be having the mental breakdown like last time. So, Tita, no phonecalls from me, in tears, from some podunk bar in the middle of nowhere Death Valley :).

THIS TIME, it will be sunny and beautiful and I will not be missing Christmas with the family. And fingers crossed that I'll have a partner in crime when I go adventuring... but if I don't, I know I'll still have a great time making my own memories to lock away in the vault. Of course, pictures will follow so you can all pretend that you were with me :)

That which does not kill you...

Life can change on you pretty quickly... one minute you're on cloud nine, the next, you're getting shoved off by a hard dose of reality. It gives as quickly as it takes. We're supposed to be made stronger by our experiences and grow from them. But sometimes its really hard to see the light at the end of every tunnel.

Like most people I know, I have endured my fair share of heartaches and losses and broken dreams... but I know that a lot of it has to do with my own faults. I tend to build things up in my head, forgetting to let key players in on my grand plans. Only to be disappointed when reality doesn't live up to the fairy tale I've created. I am a dreamer and I often get caught up in the moment... wanting to take the fast track because I'm too excited about the possibilities of what could be. I like being a dreamer and I can accept the fact that things work out the way they do in my life because of that.

But what I'm struggling with is when good people are taken away from good people. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones that are always there for their family and friends. The ones that smile all the time and hug you whenever you need it. The ones that always have the positive outlook on life and do good for all those around them.

Why can't life just leave them alone and let their dreams come true? Why can't it just let them be blissfully happy with life? For once, just let the good guys win. Its like life needs to be constantly reminding us that it could all be taken away from you in a split second. But it seems like those that get reminded the most are the ones that truly already understand how precious life is and they DO live their lives as if today could be their last. They aren't afraid to take a few risks... because they understand the rewards could be so great. So why not just let them be?

I get it though... life isn't fair. So stop asking these questions because they're never going to be answered. Just be prepared for them and do what you can to make the best out of the situation.

Dust In The Wind

*WARNING* If you are a religious person, you may not want to read this. I'm not challenging your beliefs, nor am I looking for someone to "guide me", I'm just doing my usual external processing... so please, don't take it personally.

I'm not a religious person... my parents were not overly religious, so it was never pushed on me. When I was in high school, I went to Younglife and youth group, not because I had this burning desire to follow God, but because it was something to do after school with my friends. Along the way, I learned quite a bit about Christianity and at the time, it helped give me answers to ideas and thoughts that I couldn't grasp in my head. Because, when you're younger, its really hard to accept the idea that when you die, that's it. Even as an adult, its a concept I struggle to understand.

As I grew up and was exposed to more and more information about the church, I learned that organized religion has so many skeletons in its closet, that there's no way of telling what is "the word of God". Everything has been twisted and contorted to feed someone's ego and for their own personal gain. How can you put so much faith in something that has been created by HUMANS, who are innately flawed?

Think about how many wars and how many people have been killed all in the name of "God". And how many more people are going to die before we stop letting your God or my God or his God determine wrong and right. And why, if you REALLY are religious, would you dare to judge me or my beliefs? I thought the whole central idea behind religion was to be tolerant and to not judge (lest ye be judged). I'm pretty sure there was some story about Jesus saving someone from being stoned because he said that the first person to cast a stone should be someone who hasn't committed a sin themselves. I see religion as hypocrisy at its finest.

So, I stopped believing in "God".

But, I still can't shake the feeling that there is SOMETHING out there... something bigger than you and I. The law of physics says that energy can not be created or destroyed... so when I die, what happens to MY energy? I don't think my thoughts or my feelings continue on after I'm dead, but I do think that my "soul" or energy or whatever you want to call it, can't just go away.

The more I learn about Eastern Philosophies, the more I start to get answers. I'm not saying that I follow Buddhism or Taoism or Confucianism some other "ism" that makes me seem all zen with life, but it is helping me be a little more at peace with the unknown. I like the idea of humility and virtue and compassion and MODERATION and to stop being greedy. Who can really argue with those fundamentals?

And then there's the idea of reincarnation and that your energy can be transferred into other living things. Live a good life now and you'll be rewarded in the next life... whats the worst that can happen if I try to live THIS life the best way I can? If it is true that I die and turn to dust, at least I'll have left a positive mark behind. And that might be why I love to teach. I love the idea that I can influence 150 minds every year. That maybe I can get them to be a little bit more compassionate and a little less selfish. Maybe I can get them to understand that material possessions don't mean anything and that life is about the experiences.

So, I'm still not sure what is really going to happen to me when I die, but I do have a little peace of mind that I may not just turn to dust. And I also need to keep in mind, that while my job may make me want to cry, in the end, it is about teaching the next generation a thing or two about tolerance and moderation...

There can be no light without darkness... No love without hate... No male without female... When they are equally present, all is calm. When one is outweighed by the other, there is confusion and disarray...

The greatest achievement is selflessness... The greatest patience is humility... The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways... The greatest generosity is non-attachment... The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.

All living suffer... Suffering is due to greed... Suffering ends when greed ends... The only way to stop greed is to live a simple and compassionate life...