Butterflies and Punches

I've said it in many other blogs, but I'll say it again. My gut instinct is damn strong. If I listen to it, it will tell me when to jump in head first and throw caution to the wind... and it will also tell me when to stop, assess and ask questions.

When my gut is right about the good things, I get butterflies in my belly. My head is in the clouds and I feel like nothing can go wrong. I smile all day. I laugh. I really, really believe that all is right in my world. It just seems like you can throw anything at me without making me flinch.

I like to ignore my gut sometimes. Both the good and the bad. Sometimes, its just hard to believe that things are as good as they seem. Its like you're sitting around, waiting for it to all go wrong. Instead of just enjoying the hell out of it for as long as it lasts. Nothing lasts forever, we all know that. But instead of waiting for that gloomy moment when it does fall apart, how about enjoying it for the fleeting moments that you have. The here and the now.

And sometimes, I wish my gut didn't tell me EVERY time something was up. Sometimes, I'd like to not know. Sometimes, I'd like to just live in my own little bubble and believe that someone is as blissfully happy with me as I am with them. What's wrong with that? I'm starting to believe that nothing is wrong with a little "turning a blind eye"...

Because when my gut is right about bad things, it feels like someone just punched me in the belly and that I might just throw up. I'm familiar with this feeling. It hasn't been around for a while but it never really goes away. So, I'm just trying to sort out if this visit is just out of old habit, or if it really has something important to say.

So, I sit... and I wait... because one of my new year's resolution was to NEVER ignore my gut,but it was also to learn to be a little more patient. To listen the first time my gut speaks and to ask enough questions so that I'm never blindsided again. But also to be thoughtful enough to listen to the answers to those questions and not jump to the wrong conclusions. It doesn't always work and sometimes it takes a little time for me to analyze it, but I'm coming along...

So, its time to stop making excuses for myself or for other people. Its long past time to start accepting who I am and be okay in my own skin. This is me. Take me or leave me. I'll be fine. I always have been.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.