Living in a Plastic Bubble... a Bubble in a Plastic World

The more I think about it, the more I think I'm not unique when I say I am a chronic over-thinker. The way I see it, getting out and experiencing life isn't the worst way to distract yourself. Other people immerse themselves in their jobs or remodeling their house or working out to keep their minds from consuming them... we all have our own way of making it through the unpleasantries of life.

My neurosis is that I love the world. I want to learn about the unknown. I want to see things that less then 5% of Americans will ever see. I want to experience uncomfortable situations so I can become a stronger person. I like that I've lived in the jungle of Mexico for 2 summers... survived on a baguette and $2 bottle of wine a day for 7 weeks while backpacking through Europe... toured around New Zealand for 4 months in a $300 car I bought from some stranger on the side of the road... Those are some of the things that have shaped who I am today.

My therapist will tell you that this is why I am single. That I don't stop long enough to actually meet anyone. That the people I do meet are not the ones who want to settle down, because they only want the adventure and the adrenaline rush... But you know what, I call bullshit on that. Why can't you have both? Why can't you meet someone WHILE you're out adventuring and then share your adventures with them? Think outside the box!

Damn, I'm rambling. Refocus -- there was a reason for this blog...

My original point for this was to talk about how through all my travels, I thought I was a very worldly person and that I had exposed myself to so many different cultures. But what I'm realizing is that, when I travel, the people I've met along the way all tended to be very much like me. Those with that adventurous side, who love to put themselves out there and step outside their comfort zone -- we all tend to migrate towards each other. Even though I travel and see the world, I seem to always meet the same people. Whether its the SCUBA divers from Denmark or the photographers from Puerto Vallarta or the musicians from Canada... they're all the same people who love the world around them and want nothing more than to get as much of it as possible before they're gone from it.

All this means is that my exposure to new views or conflicting opinions has been very limited. And when it has happened, I was always surrounded by my own people, who would back up MY views and let the other person know they were wrong. Its only been in the last few years that I have actually been able to have a real conversation with someone who doesn't agree with me and NOT get pissed off. This is what being a teacher and living in Arizona has showed me. To be open-minded to the views of those who I don't agree with. And to stay level headed when every ounce of my being wants to challenge every word coming out of their mouth. Granted, I don't always remember to keep my cool, but its getting better.

So, its time to get out of the bubble I have been living in for the past 31 years and realize that the rest of the United States does not operate like Portland, Oregon. How can I call myself open-minded if the only thing I've opened my mind to is views like my own?

"And it's a crazy mixed up world
Full of contradictions
And that's why it hurts so bad sometimes
But that's also why its fun

And I'm gonna love you like, I've got nothing to prove
Feeling good in the pocket
Like an old school… Groooooove

Living in a plastic bubble
A bubble in a plastic world
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Living in a plastic bubble
And it's good"

Plastic Bubble by ALO

Why I Do What I Do.

TWO BLOGS IN ONE DAY!!! WHOA! But putting together the pictures for that last blog really got me thinking...

Have you ever sat back and wondered about what motivates you? As in - why do you do the things you do? I'm not even sure that makes sense (I'm having a hard time putting this into words), but I've been thinking a lot about why I live my life the way I do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really, really like my life -- I just wonder why I feel the constant need to be on the go all the time.

If you haven't figured out from my blogging, I am a chronic over-thinker. It has plagued me since I was a child. I worry about every little thing - Did I do a good enough job? Are they going to like me? How am I going to pay my bills? What am I going to do about this job that makes me want to cry? Did I say too much? Am I a hypocrite? Who's going to love me if I'm this crazy?

Well, you get the picture... so one of things I've developed over time, is the image that I'm a free spirit, that I fly by the seat of my pants and that things roll off my shoulder. But the reality of the situation is quite the opposite. I stress.

And that's why I think I keep going... if I keep moving and surround myself with things to distract me, it doesn't allow me the time to stress as much. I can't really worry about how I'm going to pay rent when I'm being amazed by a beautiful sunrise coming up over the mountains... nor do I have to acknowledge how much I'm missing my nephews if I don't get home until bed time every night... and I don't have the time to think about how lonely I am when I'm trying real hard not to fall off a cliff.

So, I keep my life packed from the moment I wake up until I pass out every night. Because if I'm not exhausted, I won't fall asleep. Too many night, I stay awake tossing and turning and replaying events from the day. So, I wait until I can't keep my eyes open, so I don't lay in bed thinking about how I could have done handled a situation better or about everything I need to get done in the upcoming days or why I push so many people out of my life, only to regret it later.

But, whatever the reason why... I do know that I LOVE those sunrises and I love playing rugby and I love hiking and I love the adventures and I love being impulsive. So, regardless of WHY I do it, I know that I am getting the most out of this life. And when I'm old and I'm telling my grandchildren stories about my life, they might think that grandma lived a really good life. And maybe, just maybe, it'll inspire them to go out and explore and live their life to the fullest.

GOD DAMN LIFE IS GOOD!

A few weeks ago, I put together a new playlist. Its got a bunch of songs that are meant to remind me to stand up straight, carry my own weight cuz tears are going nowhere baby... that I am strong enough... that I should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do... that near to you, I am healing... and that this is one life, you got to do what you should. Music heals my soul. I send music to those I love and those I care about. If I've ever sent you a song or played something for you from my ipod, its because you're important to me. The music is meant to inspire or to take you back to a special place.

And right now, the song of my life is by the String Cheese Incident --"Good Times Around the Bend". The chorus goes something like "Sometimes it seems like such a hard life, but there's good times around the bend.... The Rollercoaster's got to roll to the bottom if you want to climb to the top again" (this is, of course, is set to some awesome banjo-playin'-peace-love-and-happiness tunes) Yep, that's what the last few weeks have felt like. I think I hit botton but the climb out has been unbelievable.

The last few weekends have been un-friggin-believable. This weekend my new favorite peeps - Kessans, Angel and Hannah - took me along with them to Christopher Creek. We hiked/canyoneered/rock climbed/swam/cliff jumped a little over 2 miles down this killer box canyon. As always, I almost didn't go because work was feeling so overwhelming and then I realized how stupid that was... when has work ever decided my life? Never.

And as always, it was an epic trip that I will never forget. I am so lucky to know these adventurous, independent women. Surrounding yourself with such strong women just makes you remember how strong you, yourself are. And that's what I needed. I needed to be reminded of who I am and what I love in this life. So, I jumped in to some canyons (okay, this IS me we're talking about, so it was only like 5' jumps), scaled down the side of some cliffs, sat on a cactus (thanks for pulling the needles out of my ass Hannah!) and in general, just had the time of my life.

Yep, I'm back folks. And, in the words of the immortal Beastie Boys - HEY LADIES... GET FUNKY!!!


Check out Kessans pics from Christopher Creek. (I didn't take any pics cuz I don't have a fancy waterproof camera).

Hannah's will be posted soon...

One Week At A Time...

One week at a time... one day at a time. Keep in mind that, while reflection is good, dwelling just keeps you down. Being strong enough to not look back. And remember that every day, it gets easier and easier.

There's a lot of things I'm taking one week at a time...

Yesterday was my 1 month anniversary of living in Arizona. It doesn't still quite feel like I live here. I have spent so much time on-the-go for the past 2-3 years, that I haven't really let myself settle down and get comfortable. So, the idea of anything permanent in my life is really just a foreign idea. Its weird because 5 years ago I was completely settled, I had roots, I had patterns. But, life was turned upside down and now I'm trying to find a nice happy medium.

Then there's my job - I'm still working ridiculously long days and still feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It's like I'm back to my first year teaching again, and that's not fun. The good thing is, I love my job, love my kids and have a great group of co-workers who are quickly becoming friends.

And for those of you who don't know, I recently took on a coaching position with the Lady Blues. The first week went pretty good... well, at least I think so -- the jury's still out on what the Lady Blues think of me. But just like that, I'm back to the Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday grind.

When you couple the coaching with the 13+ hour days, its leaving very little time for that damn Half Ironman training I'm supposed to be doing. Which really sucks too. I actually thought I was going to stick to my guns and do it... but sometimes life really does get in the way. I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it. No more whining about not having enough time.

On a side note - last weekend I went to Fossil Creek and hiked, camped and swam. It was really beautiful. A lot like Havasupai (one of my top 5 all time favorite hikes) - except its totally accessible by everyone.... EVERYONE. I'm of the opinion that things as beautiful and amazing as this should difficult to get to. You should have to work at it, which makes you appreciate it so much more. But, that's for another blog. It was a fun weekend with some new friends and I hope to be able to do more with them.

Be true to yourself…

I am an “in the moment” type of girl. I want the security and the peace of mind that goes with playing it safe , but the reality is, I’m way too impulsive. Which is when I end up ignoring what my gut is telling me. And then I'm left thinking that, while it was good for a moment, there is absolutely nothing satisfying or fullfilling about it in the long term.

Whether its eating that entire burrito (plus the chips that came with it), or buying an SUV I don't really need, or falling in love with the wrong person, that impulsive side of me forgets about the bigger picture. And then I look back and think "What the hell was I doing!?!?" But by that point, its too late. I blindly acted and before I knew it, there was no turning back.

Now, I can run a few extra miles to burn off that burrito and I can stay in a few nights to afford the car payment... but I haven't figured out what to do about the broken heart. You know how some people say "ignorance is bliss"? Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I lived by that motto... but then I realize that not knowing, just means you play the victim when the truth is revealed. And I'm not a victim. Because sometimes, its just not your fault. Sometimes, that other person is so messed up that no matter how much you give and how much you love, their issues are too big.

And then you realize that love and loving someone is never a mistake. As much as it hurts and as much pain as it can cause, there is always so much positive that comes out of opening yourself up to the experience of it all. You learn about yourself in your darkest moments. You learn what you are capable of. You learn that its okay to be vulnerable. And then you realize that you are going to be okay. You are going to come out of it a better person. Because you are capable of loving someone and you can let someone love you. So that when the right person comes along, you are going to make each other happier then anyone can ever imagine.

But you have to take the time to reflect and actually WANT to learn from the pain. The one majojr thing I have learned is that my gut instinct is RIDICULOUSLY accurate. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but when I look back at all the bad things that have happened to me, my gut always told me better. Yet, I still ignored it. Why is that? Why do I go against my better judgment and end up doing something I later regret? I think I'll start working on that.