Work it on out...

I very rarely feel proud of myself - in fact, I'm the queen of guilt trips. I can probably count on one hand all the times I was proud of my accomplishments in life. I'm more apt to blame myself for everything. I worry about how I've let people down or how my lack of patience has pushed so many people out of my life or why I can't work a little harder at things in my life. I am constantly filled with regret and remorse and "could of-should of-would of".

I look for reassurance in those around me - I need someone to pat me on the back and say I'm doing okay. I've never been one to find that within myself. That sense of accomplishment comes from my teammates high fiving me, or my coach hugging me after a big win.

I have NEVER, repeat, NEVER been an individual athlete. My whole life I've played team sports. Starting at 4, when I lied about my age so I could play t-ball with the big kids. I've played softball, basketball, volleyball, rugby, even when I did track, it was never about me, but about earning points to win the meet. I trained or worked out purely because I did not want to let my teammates down. Fear of failure has been my motivation throughout most my life - not the need to succeed, but the fear of letting my teammates, my friends down.

And I've never been an endurance athlete - I HATE(D) running with a passion. So much so, that when I was in track (I was thrower - shocking, I know) and we'd have to do our 2 mile runs, I'd fake sick or hurt. I was pathetic. I was scared to run on the open road. The thought of just me and the road gave me such high anxiety that my heart rate would be at 170 before I even started the run.

Then it happened... last summer, my LDBFF convinced me to do a half marathon with her. I was super hesitant. In fact, I laughed at the mere thought of me running for 13.1 miles. I had never ran more than 4 at one time (and that was on a treadmill, in the safety net of the gym). But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had labeled myself a "non-runner" and I HATE labels - I hate being pigeonholed. So, it was up to me to break my own stereotype I had created for myself. I was going to do it.

And so for 8 weeks, I ran. I started off with 3 miles - up the road and back. I thought I was going to die. I didn't have any music and it was dark, cold and rainy. Not the best way to start off this new experiment. But the next day, I popped my earbuds in and headed out for another run. And then each day after that I kept going.

People talk about the "runner's high"... I have yet to experience that. I know I am not built to run - I'm a big girl. My knees hurt the entire time, my back aches and I sweat like race horse. Its just not a pretty sight. But the point is, I did it. I ran my first half marathon in January - my time wasn't stellar, but I did it. When I crossed the finish line, I looked around desparately for someone to hug me and tell me how great I did... but there was no one there. For 2 hours I wandered around trying to find someone to congratulate me. I should have been on cloud 9, but instead, I sat down on the ashpalt and I cried. It was then that I realized it was just me. I needed to be proud of myself for doing this. I needed to find it within myself to congratulate me and hug me and love me because no one else was going to.

Emotionally, mentally, physically, this has been a tough week for me. I've been doing too much reminiscing about the past and that is a sure fire way to put me in a funk. But then I go for a bike ride, or a swim or even (gasp!) a run and things seem to feel better for awhile. Exercise has never been a release for me... eating is usually my go-to when I'm feeling down. But I'm noticing that when I do summons up the energy to go for a swim in the Willamette, or plant my sore ass on my bike for another long ride, or convince my head not to walk during my 8 mile run, after I'm done, I feel happy, energized, proud of myself.

So, there you have it - perhaps this is the dawn of a new era for me. I'm not saying I love running, but I don't hate it anymore. And maybe, just maybe, if I can keep up this training, I might actually find that elusive "runner's high".