Just one of the guys?

Going back as long as I can remember I've always been one of the boys. I'm not sure when I became a tomboy... My step-sister, Paula, is the one who convinced me that short hair was way better then long, that dolls were stupid and skateboards were cool, that my pink banana seat bike was for girlie girls and we were NOT girlie girls (I really loved that bike though).

Don't get me wrong, being one of the guys is great. I don't mind getting dirty, I like sports, I can drink beer with the best of them... I LIKE being laid back enough that the guys want me around. But please do remember that I am a girl and I do have feelings and some things actually do offend me. I believe in true love and I believe in monogamy and I believe that, IF you really loved her, you wouldn't be talking so much shit. I like dresses too, and make-up and pretty things...

Somewhere along the way being a tomboy became my defense. When I feel nervous, unsure of myself or uncomfortable, I will immediately go to "tough-girl" mode. I can tell crude jokes and make fun of ugly girls and arm wrestle with the sissy boys. I'll one-up you in a chugging contest and burp louder then 1/2 the bar. But every time I go in to that mode, I hate it. I hate feeling the need to be masculine in order to "hang" with the boys - I want to be a part of the crowd, but I want to be different too. I want my feminine side to show.

I know that, because of my lifestyle, finding someone to share my life with is going to be nearly impossible. My therapist tells me that all the time..."Slow down. Quit feeling the need to be on the go all the time. And stop being one of the guys. Just be you." The scary thing is, at this point - I still don't know who "ME" is. Am I the adventurer who picks up and goes whenever I feel like it... or is that me just running away? Am I the tomboy who's doomed to be just one of the guys... but never the guys' girl? Am I the independent strong woman who doesn't need anyone... yet so desperately just wants someone to love her?

I guess growing up doesn't have an age limit...