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Someone very close to me recently asked me why I think I'm such a bad over-thinker and over-planner because they have the same problems... I'm pretty sure it's the same reason why some people avoid confrontation at all costs, why others have to control every situation, why some chose to live in blissful ignorance, and why, well, I think you get the point.  We do these things to protect ourselves.  No matter if you were raised by the Leave it to Beaver clan or the Married with Children family, or like most, something very much in between, we all developed our own defense mechanisms. Even if you think you were raised in the best situation possible, you create defenses to make sure that fairytale is never disturbed.  And if you were raised on the other end of the spectrum, you create defenses to make sure you get what you need, when you need it.

The early, formidable years of my life were definitely a bit on the "hectic" side.  I'm a firm believer that my tendencies now to over-think and over-plan come from trying to keep some sense of predictability in my life.  I know that if I'm the one the set it up, I'm the only one to blame if it goes wrong.  I don't want to rely on anyone else because I'm pretty sure, at some point, they'll let me down.  And I can't handle someone I care about, a lot, failing in front of me.  So, rather than set someone up for failure, I'll save you and me a lot of headache by just taking care of it myself.  And it's not that I don't think someone else is incapable, I just don't want to risk getting mad or frustrated or being disappointed in them.  

But, the new me is trying to be better about this.  The new me isn't putting so much weight in being disappointed or let down.  These things happen and are a fact of life, so there's no point trying to stop it from happening.  The new me is rolling with the punches.  And actually, by not dwelling on the what if's and instead focusing on the right now, I've been doing pretty good.  It takes some work to not let your mind start wandering to the unknown.  And I'm getting better about stopping my thoughts before they go into a spiral of planning.  And guess what?  I haven't been disappointed by anyone in quite a while.  Sure, I wish some people made different choices, but if I don't take it personal, I can let it roll off my shoulder.  It's actually kind of weird taking positive spins on life... not assuming the worst... and just letting nature take it's course. 

The last couple months, I've had big changes in my life.  In the past, I would have handled it much differently.  Losing someone hurts, especially when they're your best friend. The love is still there, but the blame is gone.  There's no dwelling on how things could have been better.  It's actually kind of nice knowing that I gave it my all, so that there was no regrets.  I wouldn't have changed the way I loved.  Some may say I did too much, but for this relationship, it was just right.  It sucks not having my friend, someone to just talk about nothing with, but I know that I gave everything I had.  So in the end, there was nothing more I could have done.  Coming to terms with it wasn't easy, but it didn't kill me.  (Hmmm - this has nothing to do with the topic of this blog, I guess I just needed to get that out...)

Small Steps... big changes.

So this whole “living in the moment” thing isn’t as easy as I thought. I’m finding that it takes a lot of hard work to not let the past creep up on you and even more work to not try and predict what the future holds.  I keep catching myself playing out a scenario in my head a dozen different ways before I stop it and literally tell myself “don’t worry about the future, enjoy THIS MOMENT”.  Sounds silly, I know, but it works.  I’m actually considering taping those exact words on the dash of my car and on my phone and next to my bed, because that seems to be where most the over-thinking takes place.

I have to remember though, that there’s a difference between dwelling on the past and using the past as a learning experience.  Because they are two very different things.  With the first, you feel guilty or remorseful and wish you could change it.  With the latter, you relish the experiences and strive to improve off of them.   The past can be a good thing... if you see it for what it is.  The key is to not let yourself be soured by it or allow it to hold you back from the now.

The first time I truly traveled by myself was when I was living in New Zealand.  Now, I had attempted it one time before when I was backpacking through Europe, but that only lasted 5 days before I was reunited with people I knew.  New Zealand was a whole other experience.  Traveling the country alone, while my husband stayed home in Oregon.  I was searching, not just for an adventure, but for who I was.  The fact that I had left Rod, knowing I’d be gone for months without seeing him, and I was okay with that, should have told me more than I was willing to admit at the time.

I had a really hard time stepping outside my comfort zone for the first few weeks.  I was SO closed off.  Afraid to talk to strangers, not sure if they would like me or if I was “cool” enough to hang with the solo travelers.  I was older, married and new at this game.  I studied every movement that people made.  The way they talked to other people, the gear they had, the food they bought, how they looked at me.  I definitely didn’t think I belonged with this group of free-spirits.

And then one day,  I was riding a bus from Christchurch to Queenstown (about an 8 hour ride) and along the way, I was reading “Me Talk Pretty One Day”.  At points on the ride, I was quite literally, LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was trying really eff’ing hard not to snort at some of the stories.  I know a couple people on the bus were looking at me, but I couldn’t help it!

When I got to the hostel in Queenstown, I checked in and got to my bed.  It was a big open room with about 5 or 6 other backpackers.  I found a nice spot in the corner and pulled out my map.  That’s when someone came over and stood next to me.  I looked up and recognized that he had been on the bus with me.  He had a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  I couldn’t help but smile back.  That’s when he asked me what it was I had been reading.  I showed him the book and he told me that he had read it too.

Bam, just like that, I had met a friend.  And that was about all it took.  I talked a little with him and his friends.  We all grabbed a beer that night.  The next day, they all took off to the Milford Sound and I was left feeling empowered.  Maybe I WAS cool enough to be part of the free-spirit crowd.  Or, at least, maybe they were just normal people like me, looking for a friendly face and good conversation.  I had worried so much about what people thought about me, that I never actually stopped to realize that I’m actually kind of fun to be around.  And by laughing uncontrollably on an 8 hour bus ride, I unintentionally opened myself up and became approachable.

It would be another 3  years before I would be a lone traveler again.  And the next time around, I was searching for much more.  I was no longer married, I was in my 30’s and I was lost.  The story of finding myself is one I’ll save for another blog, so for now, let’s relish on the idea of living for THIS MOMENT and not worrying so much about the what-ifs.

There are these turning points in your life, where a lightbulb just turns on and all of the sudden, it’s so clear.  Moments that you can never predict, that turn your life upside down.  And it’s in those moments, that you really feel alive.  Life is about what happens when you’re caught off guard... and it’s how you react that really defines you as a person.

Take a leap of faith and step outside your comfort zone!

This Moment Is Your Life.

Recently I've been doing a little research ... a little investigation... a little searching.  And what I found out is -- I think too much -- I mean WAY too much.  As in, I'm a chronic over-thinker who attempts to predict and pre-emptively strike any situation that comes my way.  I'm constantly on the look out to hurdle any obstacle, sidestep any potential hazards and push away anything that could hold me back.  I anticipate any possible encounter and come up with a million different responses -- just in case.

Except, most of my preconceived ideas are just that... preconceived... made up in my head.  And shockingly - things never quite work out the way I imagined them to be.  So all that thinking and planning and rethinking and replanning was for naught.  All this wasted time and wasted energy trying to anticipate something I have no control over.  And then more time wasted in replaying the moment and what I SHOULD have said or what I COULD have done better.

This weekend, I took 19 teenage girls on a road trip to California.  I had 3 months to plan this trip.  3 months to figure out every possible kink.  3 months to imagine every possible scenario.  3 months to get everything worked out perfectly.  I had emergency contact information, permission slips signed, itineraries given to every parent, hotels booked, vans rented, games set up, fun time planned.  It was all set.  And then we took off.  Things went so smooth.  All of my planning had paid off.  The girls were handed off to their host families successfully Friday night.  Saturday, they played amazing and won their first ever high school game.  Saturday night, the girls played in the ocean as the sun set, we took pictures, walked on the boardwalk.  I mean, it was going PERFECT.  I was feeling pretty damn good about it all.

And then Saturday night hit.  En route to dinner, the team was walking down Venice Blvd, everyone laughing, talking, having a great time.  The girl ahead of me threw her arm up in the air and starting to shake.  I thought she was goofing around, but as she went to the ground, something didn't seem right.  She was still shaking.  I ran up and kneeled down over her, then realized at that moment she was having a Grand Mal seizure.  I grabbed her, rolled her to her side and held her hand.  All of the girls stopped, dead in their tracks and started to surround us.  Her lips started turning purple, then her cheeks.  Her mom was with us, but she was in the lead, so it took a few seconds to get the word up to her. 

The seizure lasted about a minute, but it was one of the longest minutes of my life.  One of my girls  called 9-1-1.  Her mom was a nurse and knew exactly what to do.  The ambulance arrived really fast and took control.  She came to fairly quickly and was able to answer the paramedics questions.  By the time they left, we knew she was going to be okay.  The other 2 parents took the girls to go eat while I got all the information from the medics on where they were taking her.  By the time it was all done, I was there alone on the sidewalk.  And I was scared.  Really scared.

No amount of planning, no amount of anticipating, predicting or guessing could have stopped this from happening.  It was her first ever, caused by extreme dehydration.  A freak event per se.  There was nothing I could have done to prevent it or prepare anyone for it.  So what do you think I did?  I thought about it.  I thought about WHY I think so much about things.  I thought about the problems that have arisen because of my over planning.  I thought about what I could do differently. And I thought about changes that I needed to make in my life.

I used to embrace my over-thinking.  I prided myself in the fact that you could never pull one over on me.  I can see it coming from miles away.  And I can push you out before you ever had a chance to get in.  But then I wonder, how many people did I push away wrongfully?  How many times did I dodge a bullet that was never coming my way?  And how many times did I ultimately become a self-fulfilled prophecy by making the situations turn out the way I "knew they would"?

We, as human beings, strive to find some permanence in our lives.  As much as try to be free spirits, the reality is, most of us can't handle the unknown.  So we try to look ahead and find something to grasp onto.  And how do you even attempt to see into your future?  By looking into your past.  You use your past experiences to try and predict future events.  I am more guilty of this than most people.  According to my "geno-type", I am an explorer. I am designed by evolution to be this way.  I'm wired to anticipate and react before I get killed.  So, it's not my fault you see...

But, life never follows the same paths.  Each situation has its own unique set of circumstances.  And the moment you try to distinguish between the past and the future, you forget to live the moment.  This time that you're in RIGHT NOW passes you by.  We get so caught up worrying about what's next, that we neglect our present life.  No matter how hard I try, I can not successfully predict the future.  Weird, huh?

I think change is needed in my life.  I've pigeonholed myself for too long and I'm ready to try something new. So, scratch that... no more "thinking", how about KNOWING that change is needed in my life and making it happen NOW.  I want to enjoy this time I'm in right now.  I want to meet someone and give them a fresh start.  I want to laugh and love and live like I've never cried before.  I want to see everyone for who they really are, and not who I think they are.  I want to be a little naive.  A little green.  And be taken away by something that I didn't expect. 

Today is the start of a new way of living for me.

A balanced living.