Confessions of a Non-Runner

For the past year or so, I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I was going to be a runner. I wanted to love running. I wanted to find that runners high. I wanted the feeling of being free and just running to clear your mind. And I really did try. I completed 3 half-marathons (never having the guts to try a full one) and I even thought after the first two that maybe, just maybe it wasn't crazy thinking to believe I could be a runner.

Sure, I enjoyed the feeling of completing them and I loved the high I got after it was over. And yes, I really do enjoy triathlons. The swimming and biking are awesome and I would even say the run wasn't horrible, because they were always short distances. But, after 16 months of trying, I have come to conclusion that long-distance running just isn't my thing. And you know what? I'm okay with it.

That's not easy for me to admit to. I want to be good at it. I don't want to be a quitter. I really wanted to fall in the love with the road. But, what I failed to realize is that I HAVE felt that high and that freedom and that love of something that can't be explained to the average Joe... for the past 15 years every time I step on a rugby field. Rugby is my runners high.

A friend recently broke the news to me that I'm "a lot better at rugby then running". I took that as a HUGE compliment. And it really did help me think about why I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. This last year I tried to give up playing rugby. I thought I should be done with this chapter in my life and try something different. And what the end result was, is someone who was not really happy being on the sidelines. Sure, at some point I'm going to have to hang up my boots, but I think the next time I do, its going to be because I no longer can put someone in the gap or dummy a pass and hit the hole... its going to be because my body has decided it, not my head.

Its funny, because when I'm not happy with my "athletic" life, I'm a miserable person to be around. Okay, miserable might be a slight exaggeration, but I know that I'm not ME. As soon as I stop working out or playing rugby, I start to get down on myself and those around me. Anyone who's been around me when I'm not be active, knows that I can be a bit of a debbie-downer. But right now, it seems like things are just coming together and I think so much of it has to do with my decision to get back in the gym, and back on the field.

I know its hard to explain the joy that rugby brings me, especially if you've never played. I just know that this is where I belong. Its the only time in my life, when I don't over-think things or have to convince myself to be mentally tough, it just happens. When I'm on the field or when I have that ball in my hand, things come easy for me. I can put aside all the bad decisions or regrets or coulda-shoulda-woulda's of my day-to-day life and just play. And right now, just playing is a pretty good thing for me.

So, thank you to everyone who told me to keep playing and for encouraging me to get back in the gym. This season is for you (and me, because, well, 2010 has been deemed the Year of ME!),