No Thanks, I'm Good.

Today I had a good talk with a friend and the topic of boundaries came up. Establishing boundaries in your life and then sticking to them. Whether it be with drinking or friends or spending money or athletics, you should have some boundaries set so you stay on the right path. Because its really easy to get off the path when you just go at things all willy-nilly.

I'm not sure if I've ever set up REAL boundaries in my life, but the conversation helped me realize why I should. This girl is crazy enough, and boundaries might just keep me sane. Traditionally, I'm always the last to leave parties, order one too many cocktails, gain 5 too many pounds, hang on just a little too long. Its like I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something (well, not so much on the gaining 5... 10... 15 lbs, but you get my point). But guess what? That "something" never happens.

I think some of this falls in the category of "Setting Goals", which I also suck at. I generally fall off any goal-setting-wagon about 2/3's of the way into things. How about the time I said I was going to do a 70.3? Wasn't that funny! Or the time I was going to stop drinking for a month? Evidentially, 23 days is now a month. And I NEVER walk away. I always try to walk away, but inevitably, I allow myself to get sucked in. Did you notice me try to retire from rugby? HA, that was a joke. Or when I thought it was a good idea to "just be friends"? Clearly, I could also use a lesson or two on why this never works.

So, back to the boundaries... its time to learn when to say enough, I've reached my limits and I'm good. I wonder if it will help me with over-thinking and over-analyzing of every situation? At this point, I'm ready to try anything. Set boundaries and goals and try, for once in my life, to stick to them. Now, if I could only get some people to respect my need for boundaries, I think I'll have things all figured out! Riiiiiiight.

Confessions of a Non-Runner

For the past year or so, I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I was going to be a runner. I wanted to love running. I wanted to find that runners high. I wanted the feeling of being free and just running to clear your mind. And I really did try. I completed 3 half-marathons (never having the guts to try a full one) and I even thought after the first two that maybe, just maybe it wasn't crazy thinking to believe I could be a runner.

Sure, I enjoyed the feeling of completing them and I loved the high I got after it was over. And yes, I really do enjoy triathlons. The swimming and biking are awesome and I would even say the run wasn't horrible, because they were always short distances. But, after 16 months of trying, I have come to conclusion that long-distance running just isn't my thing. And you know what? I'm okay with it.

That's not easy for me to admit to. I want to be good at it. I don't want to be a quitter. I really wanted to fall in the love with the road. But, what I failed to realize is that I HAVE felt that high and that freedom and that love of something that can't be explained to the average Joe... for the past 15 years every time I step on a rugby field. Rugby is my runners high.

A friend recently broke the news to me that I'm "a lot better at rugby then running". I took that as a HUGE compliment. And it really did help me think about why I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. This last year I tried to give up playing rugby. I thought I should be done with this chapter in my life and try something different. And what the end result was, is someone who was not really happy being on the sidelines. Sure, at some point I'm going to have to hang up my boots, but I think the next time I do, its going to be because I no longer can put someone in the gap or dummy a pass and hit the hole... its going to be because my body has decided it, not my head.

Its funny, because when I'm not happy with my "athletic" life, I'm a miserable person to be around. Okay, miserable might be a slight exaggeration, but I know that I'm not ME. As soon as I stop working out or playing rugby, I start to get down on myself and those around me. Anyone who's been around me when I'm not be active, knows that I can be a bit of a debbie-downer. But right now, it seems like things are just coming together and I think so much of it has to do with my decision to get back in the gym, and back on the field.

I know its hard to explain the joy that rugby brings me, especially if you've never played. I just know that this is where I belong. Its the only time in my life, when I don't over-think things or have to convince myself to be mentally tough, it just happens. When I'm on the field or when I have that ball in my hand, things come easy for me. I can put aside all the bad decisions or regrets or coulda-shoulda-woulda's of my day-to-day life and just play. And right now, just playing is a pretty good thing for me.

So, thank you to everyone who told me to keep playing and for encouraging me to get back in the gym. This season is for you (and me, because, well, 2010 has been deemed the Year of ME!),

Its Good To Be Home.

The old saying that "home is where the heart is" never made much sense until recently. I always thought it meant that its where you grew up (Long? or Meadowsong?), where your family lives (but not really anymore), the bedroom you grew up in (but has since been turned in to an "office")... but what I'm learning is, home is not a physical location.

I went back to the great Northwest for Christmas and had a really nice time with family and friends. I did a whole lot of good ol' fashioned NOTHING. Hanging with nephews, heart-to-hearts with my sister, walking the dogs, playing in the snow, dinners with the family. It felt so good to be back... This is home.

For New Year's Eve, I headed up to Seattle to spend time with a great group of friends from all over. Friends that make you feel just good about life. Everyone is always in such good spirits because they are just genuinely good people at heart. We smile, we hug, we laugh, we cuddle, we drink, we dress up in ridiculous costumes... This is home.

Then I came back to Arizona, with my dog who has been away from me for 5 months. It was almost 9 years ago that he first came into my life and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He's always been there for me, when I'm happy or sad or lonely... This is home.

And now I'm back in Arizona... and the real question is -- is this home? I've been challenged by a few people on what my motives were to move to AZ. All I know is that I have friends down here that I absolutely love with all my heart. Friends that when you meet, you know right away they'll be in your life forever. Friends who have been more loyal and supportive then people I've known my whole life. And that, that is enough reason to be here. So you know what? Yeah, this IS home.

So here's to 2010 - and realizing that home can be anywhere you make it. And home can be a lot of different places. Home is where your loved ones are, where you feel familiar and comfortable. Where you don't have to be anyone but your crazy, intimidating, emotional, adventurous, fun-loving self.