Stop the Sucking.

I'm getting sucked back in... As time passes on, its been so easy to just think about the good things. I am a positive person by nature.... which means I forget about all the negative. My mind likes to wander back to only the happy times -- that rush, the laughter, the excitement, the butterflies in my stomach (damn, I love those butterflies).

I tend to forget about how bad it hurt and how long the pain would linger. And the days it would take me to recover. Yet, despite all these things, I still find myself getting lulled back into the comfort of old habits.

I have had a few conversations with people close to me and I get conflicting advice. Some say to give it one more chance and that maybe it'll be different. Others say to be done and that it will never be the way it was before. The problem is, I have to tried to walk away...but I am in love. For all the pain it has caused me... it has created even more happiness in my life.

What is it about this one thing that makes it so hard to walk away? I have walked away from so many other things in my life. Yet this one thing keeps sucking me back in. If you've been around me, you might have noticed that this question has been eating me up for a while now --do I just walk away? Or, do I give it one more chance?

This last week was the hardest - it was all right there in front of me. All of the reasons I've thought about giving it one more chance. I had the butterflies and the nervousness of not knowing... But then there was that voice inside my head saying "of course it feels good now... but how's it going to feel next week, when you're hurt again?"

You see, I am a life long athlete. I've been playing competitive sports since I was 4 years old. I went through the standard growths that most average athletes go through (Freshman, JV to Varsity). But I was never a standout. No one really noticed me. I was average for so much of my life...

Until I found rugby.

And just like that, it clicked. And after a couple years, I was getting noticed. For the first time in my life, I was excelling and I was the one people pointed out. Fast forward 15 years and I still want in on the action. Sure, I'm not quite as fast, but my pass is still one of the best, I can still kick the shit out of the ball and I can put anyone in to a gap.

And so much of who I am today, is because of rugby. The women I played with have been a huge inspiration in my life. Rugby has taken me around the world from Spain to New Zealand to Hong Kong. Most of my closest and dearest friends I found through rugby. I didn't realized how much I loved this game and the people involved in it... until I tried to leave it.

But yet, I'm also finding out that I'm a pretty good coach. Its a lot like teaching, so of course I'd enjoy it. Its not the same as putting your boots on before, Eminem pumping in to earbuds, standing on the line just before kick off, and then everything going silent as the ball flies through the air... but there's still the excitement, the "I think I'm going to throw up" nerves, the adrenaline rush. Its just focused on other people and I'm no longer the one calling the shots at kick off.

So, I guess in the end, I just have to ask myself what my motivations are? As an old teammate put it -- do I "avoid the Favre"... retire gracefully, so people remember the good and not the bad or do I feed my stupid ego and give it one more shot?

I gots a lot to think about...