Change is tough

April 16, 2013

I've always thought men don't see me as someone to settle down with.  I am the cool girl. I'm fun and easy to be around.  I don't push myself on anyone.  I demand very little.  Which, for some reason, doesn't translate into long term relationship material.

I also play the cool card.  I test the waters very gently. I don't act overly interested.  And if there's even a hint that you don't feel the same, I run.  I'm extremely insecure when it comes to men.  And I am deathly afraid of rejection.

I'm always amazed and impressed by women who just lay it all out with no hesitations. How do you put yourself out there without dying of embarrassment?  How do you change someone's perception of who you are?  How do you convince someone that you really are a long term type of gal?

I don't have "standards", I never have. There is no measuring bar that I hold men to.  Well, aside from the small little thing about them being stronger than me (I can't be with a sissy boy who I can out wrestle!). But aside from that, I've never really stopped to think what it is I want out of a relationship.

When I'm single, I am fiercely independent, spontaneous, adventurous and (quasi) confident.  Yet, when I enter into a relationship, I become the person I'm with.  I take on their personality traits.. their lows become my lows, their highs become my highs.  I become so intertwined with who THEY are that I forget who I am.

I will give you my all... and more if I have it.  I'll do whatever I can to take away your pain, to make your day brighter, to make your life easier, to block you from your own insecurities.  I'll make you feel special everyday.  I'll become so obsessed with making sure you're happy, that I'll pretend it's my own happiness.  And I won't ask for anything but love in return.

But there comes a point where I break - where I can't give anymore.  My cup empties and filling yours up no longer satisfies me.  I give to the point of exhaustion.  And because I never asked anything from you in the past, you won't understand what's changed in me.  I've done it to myself.  I set the bar too low for my own needs and put yours ahead of mine.  It won't seem fair to you because i never let you know.

But then, I think you should have just known.  You should have WANTED to love me back just as much... to give me the moon and the stars... to fill my cup.  And to make me feel as special as I've made you feel.

So, this goes back to putting yourself out there.  Demanding equality in the relationship.  Realizing your own needs and not settling.  And not being afraid of walking away when you don't get it back in return.

I guess this is the time in my life when I need to find my standards.  Decide what my deal breakers are along with things I cannot live without. Put my needs on the same level as theirs.

I will still give you all of myself... I like that about me.  I genuinely love making you feel like the most important person in the world.  But this time, I want the same in return.  I DEMAND the same in return.