Change is tough

April 16, 2013

I've always thought men don't see me as someone to settle down with.  I am the cool girl. I'm fun and easy to be around.  I don't push myself on anyone.  I demand very little.  Which, for some reason, doesn't translate into long term relationship material.

I also play the cool card.  I test the waters very gently. I don't act overly interested.  And if there's even a hint that you don't feel the same, I run.  I'm extremely insecure when it comes to men.  And I am deathly afraid of rejection.

I'm always amazed and impressed by women who just lay it all out with no hesitations. How do you put yourself out there without dying of embarrassment?  How do you change someone's perception of who you are?  How do you convince someone that you really are a long term type of gal?

I don't have "standards", I never have. There is no measuring bar that I hold men to.  Well, aside from the small little thing about them being stronger than me (I can't be with a sissy boy who I can out wrestle!). But aside from that, I've never really stopped to think what it is I want out of a relationship.

When I'm single, I am fiercely independent, spontaneous, adventurous and (quasi) confident.  Yet, when I enter into a relationship, I become the person I'm with.  I take on their personality traits.. their lows become my lows, their highs become my highs.  I become so intertwined with who THEY are that I forget who I am.

I will give you my all... and more if I have it.  I'll do whatever I can to take away your pain, to make your day brighter, to make your life easier, to block you from your own insecurities.  I'll make you feel special everyday.  I'll become so obsessed with making sure you're happy, that I'll pretend it's my own happiness.  And I won't ask for anything but love in return.

But there comes a point where I break - where I can't give anymore.  My cup empties and filling yours up no longer satisfies me.  I give to the point of exhaustion.  And because I never asked anything from you in the past, you won't understand what's changed in me.  I've done it to myself.  I set the bar too low for my own needs and put yours ahead of mine.  It won't seem fair to you because i never let you know.

But then, I think you should have just known.  You should have WANTED to love me back just as much... to give me the moon and the stars... to fill my cup.  And to make me feel as special as I've made you feel.

So, this goes back to putting yourself out there.  Demanding equality in the relationship.  Realizing your own needs and not settling.  And not being afraid of walking away when you don't get it back in return.

I guess this is the time in my life when I need to find my standards.  Decide what my deal breakers are along with things I cannot live without. Put my needs on the same level as theirs.

I will still give you all of myself... I like that about me.  I genuinely love making you feel like the most important person in the world.  But this time, I want the same in return.  I DEMAND the same in return.

Who knew Honduras?

It was probably the last place I would have looked, but it popped up on a website as one of the best beaches in Central America.  And now, I'm about thiiiiiiis close to buying an airline ticket to Roatan, Honduras.  Sorry Belize, but maybe another time.

I've narrowed it down to few hotels, a couple all-inclusive, a couple very rustic. All are on (or damn close) to the beach, that is a requirement.   Now, on one hand,  I've done the budget travel -- in fact, that's all I've ever done -- and I'm totally down with that again.  BUT, on the other hand, if it's just me, myself and I - maybe there should be a bit of pampering along the way.  I do get hit with a twinge of guilt staying at a fairly nice resort while vacationing in a very underdeveloped country, which is why I haven't booked the hotel yet. Do I just get over it and go posh, or do I stay low-key and go basic?

I'm also trying to decide the best dates. (First. World. Problems.)  Do I go right after school gets out, before the dreadful drive to North Dakota?  Or, do I go at the end of summer, as sort of a "last hoorah" before school starts up again?

ACK, too many questions, right?!?!  Shit, there's another question!  Dammit.  This is where I wish I had someone to come along, to help with this process, so I don't end up overthinking, rethinking and ultimately never making a decision until its too late... I'm nervous to hit the "purchase now" button, but I know that no matter what I chose, it is going to fill up my soul and put a smile on my face.  So, I can't really go wrong, can I?

Ready to go...

I've been reading over a lot of my old blogs recently and I'm thinking it might be time to revisit writing...  I've been bit by the travel bug again and I am itching to get out and see the world again.  It's been way too long and my soul could use a little invigorating. One of the most sure fired ways to me back on track is to get out and go!

Now, if you know me, you should know that I won't be waiting too long to get on the road.  In fact, I was thiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to buying an airline ticket to Belize today.  I want to do a little more research on where I'm going first, but you best believe I'll be leaving the good old US of A within the next few months. Whether it's Central America, Europe or an island in the Pacific, I know I want to find a beach, and surfing, and an ice cold cerveza. 

I've always been a very independent person who has had great adventures when traveling alone... and I'm more than willing to do it again... but I'm not going to lie -- I'd like to have someone to go with me.  So, if you have a little impulsive side, a zest for life, a sense of adventure and genuinely love to laugh, hit me up and maybe we could travel together...

"It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive."