Third Times a Charm...

Or is it "three strikes and you're out"...

As I mature (ahem), I consider myself to be more of a thinker these days... working smarter, not harder. You're supposed to get better with age, right? Like a fine wine just waiting to be uncorked and enjoyed. I'm learning from my mistakes but not being afraid to make more. You can't succeed unless you've failed a few times.

I've been fighting this for awhile now... wondering if I COULD do it. I know I have a lot to offer, I know that I am a worthy mate... but I didn't know if my mind and my body could handle the abuse. I don't like being hurt. I don't like dealing with the pain. BUT, if you're gonna do it, you just have to accept that these things are inevitable. And fighting through the pain is what makes the reward sooooo much better.

So, I decided last spring to come out of my third retirement. My third attempt at leaving the game I love was, yet again, an epic failure. I lasted 6 months this time (if you don't count the occasional b-side game and 7's matches)... my longest so far. But, much like other things in my life that I love with all my heart, I am finding it impossible to walk away.

And now, after 16 seasons, I'm back in the pack. Back playing with the big girls. Tackling girls twice my size... and running them over just as much. This doesn't bode well for my aging body. And it makes me wonder how long I'll be able to last if I'm in the thick of it 80 minutes a week. BUT, maybe I'll surprise myself. Maybe my body will love the opportunity to make big hit after big hit.

Its not like I'm gonna quit. I'm in this to win it. I'd love to end it on a high note... one more shot at a title. I don't want to look back and regret not abusing my body when I still had the opportunity. There's plenty of years left to coach, so for now, I play.

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. AMEN.

Out There, For All The World To See

I was just reading back to past blogs and looking at a bunch of pics from the last few years... so much has happened that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. Its crazy to see how much I have grown and how much I've learned about myself, just by reading a few entries and seeing some old photos.

As much as this blog was supposed to be about my big adventures in life, its turned into more of a processing place for me. You all know that I'm an external processor... and that I put my life on display. You can criticize me for being too much out there, for sharing too much, but for me, its how I heal. Its how I figure out if I'm on the right path or not. There's never going to be a time when you question how I feel about you. If you're important to me, if you matter in my life, I'm going to tell you. I think its safe to say that there have never been secrets with me. What you see is what you get.

Now, I have been on some super fun adventures but I've also done a lot of awesome nothingness. As much as I love being out there, trekking around, seeing the world... I think I've realized that down time is almost just as good. I used to have to pack my life full, so that I didn't have the down time, because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. But lately, I'm realizing that I really like who I am and I like my thoughts. So, being alone with them, isn't the worst thing in the world.

And up until recently, I was convinced that you could always forgive, but never forget... I thought "I will not be a victim because I choose to tackle things head on. I don't let myself be blindsided"... what that really meant was "I'm on to you... and I'm waiting for the moment you lie to me or break my trust". By holding on to the hurts of the past and the betrayal, it only makes me a vulnerable to it again. So this time around, I'm thinking that a little lapse in memory isn't the worst thing. Because if you can forget the hurt, forget the pain, it'll open you up to the right person.

The sun is still shining.
The smiles are still here.
Life is still good.

October 2006...

To Today...