No Thanks, I'm Good.

Today I had a good talk with a friend and the topic of boundaries came up. Establishing boundaries in your life and then sticking to them. Whether it be with drinking or friends or spending money or athletics, you should have some boundaries set so you stay on the right path. Because its really easy to get off the path when you just go at things all willy-nilly.

I'm not sure if I've ever set up REAL boundaries in my life, but the conversation helped me realize why I should. This girl is crazy enough, and boundaries might just keep me sane. Traditionally, I'm always the last to leave parties, order one too many cocktails, gain 5 too many pounds, hang on just a little too long. Its like I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something (well, not so much on the gaining 5... 10... 15 lbs, but you get my point). But guess what? That "something" never happens.

I think some of this falls in the category of "Setting Goals", which I also suck at. I generally fall off any goal-setting-wagon about 2/3's of the way into things. How about the time I said I was going to do a 70.3? Wasn't that funny! Or the time I was going to stop drinking for a month? Evidentially, 23 days is now a month. And I NEVER walk away. I always try to walk away, but inevitably, I allow myself to get sucked in. Did you notice me try to retire from rugby? HA, that was a joke. Or when I thought it was a good idea to "just be friends"? Clearly, I could also use a lesson or two on why this never works.

So, back to the boundaries... its time to learn when to say enough, I've reached my limits and I'm good. I wonder if it will help me with over-thinking and over-analyzing of every situation? At this point, I'm ready to try anything. Set boundaries and goals and try, for once in my life, to stick to them. Now, if I could only get some people to respect my need for boundaries, I think I'll have things all figured out! Riiiiiiight.

Confessions of a Non-Runner

For the past year or so, I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I was going to be a runner. I wanted to love running. I wanted to find that runners high. I wanted the feeling of being free and just running to clear your mind. And I really did try. I completed 3 half-marathons (never having the guts to try a full one) and I even thought after the first two that maybe, just maybe it wasn't crazy thinking to believe I could be a runner.

Sure, I enjoyed the feeling of completing them and I loved the high I got after it was over. And yes, I really do enjoy triathlons. The swimming and biking are awesome and I would even say the run wasn't horrible, because they were always short distances. But, after 16 months of trying, I have come to conclusion that long-distance running just isn't my thing. And you know what? I'm okay with it.

That's not easy for me to admit to. I want to be good at it. I don't want to be a quitter. I really wanted to fall in the love with the road. But, what I failed to realize is that I HAVE felt that high and that freedom and that love of something that can't be explained to the average Joe... for the past 15 years every time I step on a rugby field. Rugby is my runners high.

A friend recently broke the news to me that I'm "a lot better at rugby then running". I took that as a HUGE compliment. And it really did help me think about why I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. This last year I tried to give up playing rugby. I thought I should be done with this chapter in my life and try something different. And what the end result was, is someone who was not really happy being on the sidelines. Sure, at some point I'm going to have to hang up my boots, but I think the next time I do, its going to be because I no longer can put someone in the gap or dummy a pass and hit the hole... its going to be because my body has decided it, not my head.

Its funny, because when I'm not happy with my "athletic" life, I'm a miserable person to be around. Okay, miserable might be a slight exaggeration, but I know that I'm not ME. As soon as I stop working out or playing rugby, I start to get down on myself and those around me. Anyone who's been around me when I'm not be active, knows that I can be a bit of a debbie-downer. But right now, it seems like things are just coming together and I think so much of it has to do with my decision to get back in the gym, and back on the field.

I know its hard to explain the joy that rugby brings me, especially if you've never played. I just know that this is where I belong. Its the only time in my life, when I don't over-think things or have to convince myself to be mentally tough, it just happens. When I'm on the field or when I have that ball in my hand, things come easy for me. I can put aside all the bad decisions or regrets or coulda-shoulda-woulda's of my day-to-day life and just play. And right now, just playing is a pretty good thing for me.

So, thank you to everyone who told me to keep playing and for encouraging me to get back in the gym. This season is for you (and me, because, well, 2010 has been deemed the Year of ME!),

Its Good To Be Home.

The old saying that "home is where the heart is" never made much sense until recently. I always thought it meant that its where you grew up (Long? or Meadowsong?), where your family lives (but not really anymore), the bedroom you grew up in (but has since been turned in to an "office")... but what I'm learning is, home is not a physical location.

I went back to the great Northwest for Christmas and had a really nice time with family and friends. I did a whole lot of good ol' fashioned NOTHING. Hanging with nephews, heart-to-hearts with my sister, walking the dogs, playing in the snow, dinners with the family. It felt so good to be back... This is home.

For New Year's Eve, I headed up to Seattle to spend time with a great group of friends from all over. Friends that make you feel just good about life. Everyone is always in such good spirits because they are just genuinely good people at heart. We smile, we hug, we laugh, we cuddle, we drink, we dress up in ridiculous costumes... This is home.

Then I came back to Arizona, with my dog who has been away from me for 5 months. It was almost 9 years ago that he first came into my life and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He's always been there for me, when I'm happy or sad or lonely... This is home.

And now I'm back in Arizona... and the real question is -- is this home? I've been challenged by a few people on what my motives were to move to AZ. All I know is that I have friends down here that I absolutely love with all my heart. Friends that when you meet, you know right away they'll be in your life forever. Friends who have been more loyal and supportive then people I've known my whole life. And that, that is enough reason to be here. So you know what? Yeah, this IS home.

So here's to 2010 - and realizing that home can be anywhere you make it. And home can be a lot of different places. Home is where your loved ones are, where you feel familiar and comfortable. Where you don't have to be anyone but your crazy, intimidating, emotional, adventurous, fun-loving self.

Two Thousand Nine Was Mighty Fine

2009 started for me in sunny AZ, while I was living in Portland... and is going to end with me in rainy Seattle, but living in AZ. I'll take that switch any day. I did, however, sleep through New Year's last year. This time around, I have a feeling its going to be significantly different. Wusse, Pie, Flowbee, P-Rye, Mongo, Venus and who knows what Axemen will all be ringing in the New Year together whilst sporting our best Swinging 20's outfits.

A little reflection on the past 12 months...

New Year's day was spent mountain biking down South Mountain... my first time back on a mountain bike since that ill-advised trip to Moab 10 years earlier. But, it got the fire going again and I have since dusted off the bike and gone a ton of fun adventures around Arizona. Thanks to Kessans and Hannah and Angel for taking me some kick ass trails, both hiking and biking. I am looking forward to many more adventures and hoodoo climbing and cactus needles in my ass and vegetable games and boxed wine by campfire and seeking out elusive water holes and blowing my quads trying to keep up with Kessans and well, you get the idea.

I didn't travel as much as I usually do, and that was a bit of a downer for me. I did, however, move 1500 miles though... I would consider that a significant event for '09. I had been planning to move either to AZ or San Diego and decided I would let the job gods determine where I ended up. Well, the God's decided that Arizona would be the place and I have been super happy with the move... I get to live with my LDBFF (even though I hardly get to see her) and I get to wear t-shirts in December! But, I feel San Diego calling my name and I'm thinking in a couple years, I may find myself surfing in the mornings before trekking off to continue the education of our youth.

But, that's not to say I didn't get out of the country. I was able to make my way to Mexico a few times... once on the back of that trusty BMW 1150GS, and twice to chase Dragonfire around the deserts of the Baja for the 500 and the 1000. It was enough to tide me over temporarily, but this girl needs a lot more truly satisfy that hunger. So, for 2010, I've already got a few trips planned to get my international juices flowing again (Hong Kong, Costa Rica and maybe even South America... as well as the usual trips to the Baja).

And, at least for a short time, I hung up the rugby boots. Okay, I still played in 3 1/2 games, but for the most part, I concentrated on coaching. It was awesome and good to know that WHEN I finally decide to retire FOR GOOD, coaching is going to be a great alternative for me. But, as many of you are aware, the pull to play is still a little too strong. So, with a little help, I'm going to give it one more shot before I end this run. Griffins in 2010? We'll see...

Oh yeah, lets not forget that I ran my first 13.1 miler in January, then again in June up in Seattle. Followed by my first triathlon in March and another in May.... Suda and I managed to take 1st/2nd in one and 2nd/3rd in the other. Not bad for two girls who have trouble training for these things :) I'm shooting for a Half Ironman in July, but I'm going to let rugby take priority this spring/summer and after that we'll see what this body has left in it.

And how can I forget the amazing Dirtys' Merkins? This is social old girls rugby at its finest! No Goals, No Aspirations, No Expectations... We Don't Warm Up, We Show Up (eventually). No words have rang more true, yet we are undefeated in 13 games and are still managing to show the youngsters how to do it. From Maggotfest to Wild West Fest, we'll be taking this shit show beyond the West to Saranac Lake... and how about a little Merkins in New Zealand for the 2011 World Cup? I like the sound of that.

Last, but certainly not least... this shout out goes the Wolf Pack. My trusty side kicks as we all try to survive the first year at the craziest high school you can imagine. But it goes beyond that... we are each other's rocks and with out them, I think I would have bought a ticket for the crazy train much sooner (yes, I'm still pretty sure there's a ticket with my name on it... its just at willcall).

So, there you go - 2009 WAS mighty fine! As for 2010 well, I'm going to make it a douchebag free year and I'm going to get back to ME. Yep, selfish old me :) Although, I would love for you all to come along for the ride!

Note to self...

I do believe its time for me to sit down and figure out what I REALLY want out my life. What is important to me? What is a deal breaker? What is an absolute must? Because, right now, I'm sort of shooting from the hip and going recklessly about certain aspects of my life. I need to refocus on what makes ME happy in life... then maybe I'll see if I can fit someone into it.

Its so funny how easy you can get caught up in a moment. Caught up in something you think is really good for you, something you think you want, something you think is right. Only to find out in the end, that it wasn't what you thought it was. I can do without the lies and disappointment. I know I sort of allowed myself to get sucked in to something I never really knew if I wanted or not. So, if its alright with you all, I'd like to call a mulligan on the last couple months.

Of course I shouldn't say I want a complete redo of the last 2 months because there was some positives that came out of this most recent experience. I learned that I am capable of trying something out that I thought in the past I would never do. I stopped pigeon-holing myself and I went outside of my own box (insert crude joke here)... And now I know that things can develop where you thought there was nothing. I discovered a very true and genuine friendship existed where I once thought it wasn't possible. And for that, I am especially thankful.

Last night I had a conversation with a good friend around the chimenea of truth and after lots of talk (and wine), I realized there are a few things that I know ALWAYS make me happy - good friends and whitty conversation, long bike rides along beautiful mountains, hiking remote trails to unbelievable water holes, road trips on my motorcycle, traveling the world and experiencing amazing things, rugby (yes, it still makes me incredibly happy) and my adorable nephews.

I think that's where I need to start. Never lose those sight of those things... because the moment I forget about those things, is the moment I lose sight of me. And next think you know, I'm looking for happiness from someone else -- I'm relying on another person to fulfill me. Stupid, right? Yeah, I know it is. So, this is where I start. Because in the end, I'm the only one who is going to make me happy.

So, here's my reminder of me doing the things I love and smiling the whole way through life...


Can you hang?!?!?

2009 Baja 1000... More Than Just a Race

I can't tell you how amazingly timed this years Baja 1000 was. If there was ever a time when I needed to get out of town and just enjoy life without all the hassles and drama and disappointments, this was it. Mexico does wonderful things for me, and when you couple it with a great group of people, then life doesn't get much better than this.

Start off with another victory for Dragonfire Racing. Car #1803 driven by Reid Nordin, Hans Waage, Todd Romano and Larry Roessler wins by a landslide! Larry let us take his pre-runner out to follow him down the coastline of the course. So, I jumped in with Reid and we ran the course behind Larry for about 50 miles. It was AWESOME! The coastline was beautiful and the ride was unbelievable. Thanks to Reid for letting me tag along and thanks to Larry for letting us take his ride out on the course!

There was a bit of drama though... but its the type of drama that goes with the territory. On Wednesday, the boys were headed out for a nice ride down to Ojos Negros, through Valle de Trinidad and would eventually end up at Mike's Sky Ranch, where we were going to stay the night. But, everything went terribly wrong just as they left Ojos Negros. Jack was in the lead and evidentially, kicked up a ton of dirt behind him... as Rasp came flying through at 70+ mph, he didn't see the barbed wire fence ahead of him. He slammed on his breaks, but it wasn't in time, his bike went down and he flew off, breaking his collarbone. Right behind him was Erik, who ended up going straight into a 4" x 4" fence post with his back. Kyle was also unable to stop, ran over Erik and ended up breaking both of his wrists. Gus was last to come in and ended up also running over Erik. Considering they had all ran into a barbed wire fence, we are so lucky that they only ended up with a couple broken bones.

Here's the deal - Rasp was supposed to race on Friday with Team 349x, but with the broken collar bone, it wasn't going to happen. Jeff decided to take over his leg. I'm beginning to think that Jeff is bad luck because 349x didn't make it past mile 40 before something blew on the bike. So, we decided it was time to get beers (at 9 am). The funny thing is, at 1 pm, word came over the radio that it was back in the race... oops. But, the scary thing is, at this point the trophy trucks are now on the course along with the Class I cars. There is now way Jeff, who has now had a half a dozen beers, should be riding over the summit with huge trucks barreling down on him. So, he opted out of the race. In the end, it was a great decision. 349x went through check at RM 101 but was never seen again. By the time we left the Baja Saturday night (24 hours later) they still hadn't found him.

So, we hung out at Borrego for most of the afternoon and caught all the action as the Trophy Trucks, Class I Cars, Motorcycles and Quads came flying through. There were helicopters buzzing over our heads that came so close to each other that I thought for sure they were going to crash. And they were so close to the ground, that you could feel the air from their blades.



After most the trucks came through, it was time to just chill and wait for the Dragonfire car to come through the check. As expected, it was blowing the rest of the cars in its class out of the water. Reid arrived around 7 pm at Borrego and turned the car over the Hans. Jack and I took of for the West Coast to meet the car at San Vincente. It was a 5 hour drive to get there and by the time we arrived it was freezing cold and we were exhausted. We grabbed our blankets and attempted to get a couple hours of sleep while we waited. Let me just tell you, that 2 people sleeping in the cab of a pick up truck is not the most comfortable thing in the world. But, we managed to get through and wake up just in time to make a coffee run before Reid came in. He turned the car over to Larry who brought it home...

So, that's my Baja story. You really do have to be there to understand how frickin awesome it is.

Gettin out of here!

Its Baja time again - back to the 1000. No Ironman riders this time, but good times will still be had. And let me tell you, this getaway could not have come at a better time. I am sooooo ready to get the heck out of here and leave it all behind me.

I've decided that a new outlook on life is in need. I need to rethink the way I've been going about things and consider other options. I recently learned that I am too strong willed. That my independence is intimidating. That I don't let people in enough and in the end, I just push them away. Hmmmm... maybe. Maybe I need to learn to be a little less opinionated and little more conforming. Maybe I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, smile and nod.

What defines you as a person? How do you become the person you are today? Recently, as in the past few years, I've been trying to redefine myself. Not "change" who I am per say, but break out the mold that has pigeon-holed me for so long. I've been known as stubborn, outspoken and "passionate". I think the last one is my favorite. That's what people call me when they're trying to be nice. Because we all know that "passionate" just means hot-headed. This is all true. I'll be the first to admit.

I don't like the way some people have defined me. I think they only see one side of me and therefore, they have made up their mind about who I am. But, that's only because I really don't want to let people see the softer side. SHOCKING, but there is a softer side inside this outspoken person. You just have to stick around long enough to see it.

Why would I just let you in without you proving to me that you're worth it? I've had too many people come and go in my life to know better than to just let you walk right on in. So, when you say you don't know me, thats because I don't want you to know me. I don't want you to see beyond the tough exterior I put out. You don't deserve it.

Does that sound a little angry? Sure it does. Do I care? Not really. That doesn't mean I don't care about YOU, it just means you're going to have to be a pretty outstanding person to see who I am behind the wall. So, go on thinking that I'll kick your ass if you step out of line (even though I've never been in a fight) and go on thinking that I'm too strong-willed (even though my tenacity is usually aimed at protecting YOUR rights) and please, please think that I'm too independent (even though I've been taking care of myself since well before any of you could even imagine).

I can be better person (EVERY ONE can be a better person) and I can learn to think a little more before I react. I like me, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to take a step back and improve on me. But, do you get to critique me? Only if you really know me.