No Scars, No Stories

Everybody has their share of battle scars... but as a friend once told me "No Scars, No Stories". Scars say that you have taken risks, that you have gone to battle and that you have lived to tell the story. And let me tell ya, I've got a lot of scars. And each one has a pretty good story behind it.

There's the physical scars, the ones you can see... Like the one on my lip from where my sister cracked me in the face with a Tupperware cup (who knew water fights could be so dangerous), or the ones on my knees from years of playing rugby at Fuller's Farm (all those years of picking gravel out Saturday after Saturday).

Then there's the scars to the ego. This is when I throw caution to the wind and just dive in without thinking. I get caught up in moments and go against my better judgment. Kind of like the time I let peer pressure get to me and took that KTM 525 out for a "spin", but ended up in a well and flying over the handlebars ala Superman style. I KNEW it wasn't a good idea, but goddammit if I didn't need to show that I could hang with the boys in the Baja.

And finally there's the scars of the soul... these are a lot harder to heal. My problem is, I don't really let them fully heal before diving in again. I know that the only way I've ever "moved on" is by jumping in to something else... whether it was when I tried to quit rugby and got into triathlons or moving from one relationship to the next. I never let my heart heal, instead, I just pre-occupy myself with something (or someone) else. And if there isn't something to distract me, I pine and dream and reminisce about the "good ole days"... hell, who am I kidding, even when there IS a viable distraction, I still find myself comparing and sizing it up, which is why I am still playing rugby and why I still haven't let go of this last chapter.

Distraction is such a great way to convince yourself that your okay. Ignore the problem and it doesn't exist, right? Get attention from someone else so they can tell you that you're still worthy, still good enough, still a hot commodity. But, shouldn't you already know that without someone having to tell you? Easier said then done. So this time, I think I'm going to work on getting my ego satisfaction on my own. I'm going to try not to jump into anything else until I am REALLY, REALLY ready, not because I'm being pursued. I get to decide when the time is right. Maybe then I'll stop ending up with the cheaters and the liars and the attention whores who will always be looking for greener grass on the other side.

"And today, you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out is a blessing, can't you see? Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well."




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tex0U7qS7h4

Permeable Membrane

THREE BLOGS IN ONE WEEK?!?!?! Yep, I'm on break with nothing else to do...

I went to see Eat, Pray, Love today... its the first time in years that I've gone to the movies by myself. In fact, I think the last time I did was in 2004, when I was living in New Zealand. I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in Queenstown... Anyway, I'm digressing.

I went in thinking it was going to be a nice, romantic comedy about a woman finding herself. I was in the mood for light-hearted. But, it turned out to be a biography of my life. Every moment of that film, I knew exactly what this woman was going through. I could relate to the need to escape and find yourself... letting go of the guilt and blame... and finding balance. It was uncanny. The only difference was her Italy/India/Bali were my 2 summers in Yelapa. Oh, and I didn't find some hot Brazillian to fall in love with me... dammit.

There were so many great quotes in the movie that could have been taken directly from my own life experiences. But there was one quote early on that was so profound:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?

But I disappear into the person I love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything.

If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.

I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. I've always known I was an "all-or-nothing" relationship type person, but to have it put so perfectly into words... No wonder it is so difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships. And why the only way I've ever been able to move on, is by finding someone new. Problem is, its hard to replace someone when no one else can quite compare. (Oh geez, that sounded an awful lot like a Sinead O'Connor song...)

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m bothered that I seem to only be able to find happiness and security when I am in love. I guess its one more thing I can feel guilty about. But there's something to be said about giving it your all and knowing you're not alone. Will I ever learn to not give my everything to my relationship? I doubt it - this is who I am and because I know that giving my all is so much better than not giving anything.

"This is a good sign... having a broken heart... It means we have tried for something."

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

"You must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. "

Making Differences...

I can't tell you how awesome it is to be back teaching World History and even Economics. I was scared as hell to be teaching at an alternative school, with all the negative stigma that's attached to it. But they know this is their last chance and together I'm helping them make a huge step towards a real future.

It is incredible the number of students who have touched my life in such a short amount of time. I have recovering alcoholics and heroin addicts, I have 21 year old drop outs, I have the ones who dreaded going to school for fear of someone noticing that they were different, I have the kids who's parents have given up on them, I have the losers, the outcasts and the painfully shy... and I couldn't ask for anything better.

The economics class that I thought would be terrible, has turned out to be one of the best opportunities to teach kids about social injustice. I get SENIORS, the ones who are actually interested in learning about how money makes the world go 'round... and why that is such a fucked up way to live! Every day they're bombarded with ads and commercials and news saying how important money is... and I get to teach them who gets screwed over in the process.

As much as people like to tell me that its too late and one person can't change the world, I tell my students that through their voices they have the ability to make their generation the best... or the worst. That its up to them to stop the downward spiral we're on. I tell them that in order to make a change, we have to be compassionate about our fellow neighbors... to care about those less fortunate and to help where you can.

I don't think I could ask for a better place to work...

Sometimes you watch something and gives you goosebumps - this is one of those times:

Click here: Tyler Mali - What Teachers Make

Its just me

I was looking back at some old notes and found this one from a couple years ago. It cracked me up so I thought I would share it again...

25 Random Facts about T. Fuji

1. The first (and only) time I've gotten stitches was because my sister hit me in the mouth with a tupperware cup while we were in a water fight in the 6th grade.

2. I was voted "most energetic" in the 8th grade.

3. When I was 4 years old, I was pulling a t-shirt off my head and it got stuck, so I walked out of my room to get help and fell down the entire flight of stairs at my apartment.

4. In 11th grade, Chad Lutz convinced me to try Copenhagen, so I did... and ended up throwing up in the school bathroom.

5. While at Outdoor School, in the 6th grade, we were so excited for the BIG last campfire, that we were all running to get there. Someone called my name, I turned around and ran straight into a pole.... knocking myself out. No campfire for me.

6. I cry every time Grandpa Chook dies in "The Power of One".

7. I was MVP of my 7th grade basketball team.

8. I've had metal in my mouth since I was 7 years old. Still do today.

9. I have had the same dentist since I was 4 years old. He totally loves me.

10. My first boyfriend was Sam Houston in the 8th grade - our first date? The Def Leppard, Hysteria, concert.

11. The boy who holds my V-card is now married to the lead singer of The Dandy Warhols.

12. I was the first female inductee into the Jester Underground Gorilla Syndicate (aka JUGS).

13. My favorite movie in elementary school was "The Black Stallion" - I watched it every day after school for about 3 years. My dream in life was to be a jockey. I would make fake saddles and pretend to race in my living room.

14. When I was 5 years old, my family was on a rafting trip and I saw Mt. St. Helens erupt... when I told my mom the mountain was blowing up, she told me it was just some clouds. WRONG.

15. My first ever bloody nose came from my step-sister. I was 6, we were on the top bunk in the motorhome, playing shark - she got freaked out and kicked me in the face.

16. My first ever concussion also came from my step-sister. I was 5, we were at Wallowa Lake and she had me sitting on the handlebars of her bike. We were flying down the hill... until my foot got stuck in the spokes and we stopped SUDDENLY. I flew off, hit my head, got knocked out and threw up all night long. My parents decided it wasn't that big of a deal, so no hospital for me.

17. I learned how to ride a motorcycle before I learned how to ride a bicycle. But I was so short that my dad had to take the seat off the motorcycle so I could touch the ground.

18. When I was 18, I was the first women to ever pass the City of Sandy Fire Department physical agility test. Every member of the fire department came out to watch me...

19. I bought a violin 4 years ago and its my dream to learn how to play. So far, I can play Silent Night, Mary had a little lamb and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... would you like to hear me play?

20. My first crush was in the 2nd grade... who was the lucky guy? Huey Lewis, who was then replaced by Mike Donahue (from Channel 6 news) in the 3rd grade.

21. I once got a referral in the 2nd grade for giving my sister birthday spankings before school. I didn't get to go to the Good Guys Assembly because of it. That was the only referral my sister ever got.

22. My first referral was in Kindergarten because it was my turn to take in the tetherballs and Curtis Monte told me "You can't do it, you're a girl"... well, I already had one in my hand so I decided to whack him upside the head with it. He went flying, skinned up his knees and face - I got a referral and a lot of spankings from my mom.

23. I once drove my car through a metal chain (that I clearly did not see) and ended up breaking the window out of my car and knocking out a huge chunk of Bondo from the side panel.

24. I hate scary movies - in fact, I can hardly watch the COMMERCIALS for scary movies, let alone the movie itself. I get anxiety attacks when I watch them.

25. And the Grand Finale.... drum roll please.... I can roll my tongue into four-leaf clover.

So there you go, more information than you ever wanted to know about me :)

Can you go back?

I want to go back to Yelapa. But, I want Bryce and Marty and Bryn and Jon to all be there. I want those jam sessions that lasted til the sun came up, and swimming at 2 in the morning and kayaking across the bay to Casa Isabel and hikes up the waterfall. I want to adventure down on the back of that motorcycle, with nothing to do but enjoy the road ahead… I want to drink until the sun goes down and get back on the road before the sun comes back up. I want to walk along the beach with a giant Styrofoam cup full of Sangria watching the waves crash on the beach. But I know it’ll never be like that again. Once you leave, you can never go back…

I want to go back to that cold winter day in February, when I stepped of the plane and knew that THIS is how happy I should always be. To feel so incredibly safe that it seemed like you could take on the world as long as you had each other. To believe, for the first time in so long, that I was the most important thing to someone. To wake up smiling because real life was better than your dreams. But, like those SCUBA diving adventures, it can’t last forever. That feeling can be taken away in the blink of an eye... and once you leave, you can never go back.

Life is supposed to be about enjoying the moment as its happening. Soak it up and take it in as much as you can, because you never know how long it’s going to last. Stop assuming you have forever. You have to think that THIS ONE MOMENT may be your last so breathe it in, remember the touch, the emotions, the taste… If you live your life for today and have no expectations about tomorrow, you won’t get disappointed. You have to able to walk away with the memories, hold on to that feeling deep in your heart and be okay with letting go. No expectations – no disappointments.

I know I’m lucky to even have been able to experience these things even once in my life. I have some of the greatest memories… and it’s these memories that carry you through the tough times. The times when all you can do is look at pictures to find that smile you thought you lost. They’ll get you through the moments when all you want to do hold on and never let go…when all you can do is think about the possibilities…




You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love