Return to the Scene of the Crime

I just thought I'd share an awesome episode of "This American Life". I first heard it this summer, driving to Yellowstone and I think I've listened to it a dozen times since. If you're short on time, go right to Act One (@11:17) - it makes me laugh and then fast forward to Act Three (@37:47) - it makes me cry.

Return To The Scene Of The Crime

And then I heard a great quote today and it seemed to just make so much sense to me:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different"

You can't change the past... you can leave doors open, but the past is the past and we can only hope to learn and move forward. I often find myself returning the scene of the crime - be it good or bad, but I think maybe its time to forge ahead and leave the past where it belongs.

No Scars, No Stories

Everybody has their share of battle scars... but as a friend once told me "No Scars, No Stories". Scars say that you have taken risks, that you have gone to battle and that you have lived to tell the story. And let me tell ya, I've got a lot of scars. And each one has a pretty good story behind it.

There's the physical scars, the ones you can see... Like the one on my lip from where my sister cracked me in the face with a Tupperware cup (who knew water fights could be so dangerous), or the ones on my knees from years of playing rugby at Fuller's Farm (all those years of picking gravel out Saturday after Saturday).

Then there's the scars to the ego. This is when I throw caution to the wind and just dive in without thinking. I get caught up in moments and go against my better judgment. Kind of like the time I let peer pressure get to me and took that KTM 525 out for a "spin", but ended up in a well and flying over the handlebars ala Superman style. I KNEW it wasn't a good idea, but goddammit if I didn't need to show that I could hang with the boys in the Baja.

And finally there's the scars of the soul... these are a lot harder to heal. My problem is, I don't really let them fully heal before diving in again. I know that the only way I've ever "moved on" is by jumping in to something else... whether it was when I tried to quit rugby and got into triathlons or moving from one relationship to the next. I never let my heart heal, instead, I just pre-occupy myself with something (or someone) else. And if there isn't something to distract me, I pine and dream and reminisce about the "good ole days"... hell, who am I kidding, even when there IS a viable distraction, I still find myself comparing and sizing it up, which is why I am still playing rugby and why I still haven't let go of this last chapter.

Distraction is such a great way to convince yourself that your okay. Ignore the problem and it doesn't exist, right? Get attention from someone else so they can tell you that you're still worthy, still good enough, still a hot commodity. But, shouldn't you already know that without someone having to tell you? Easier said then done. So this time, I think I'm going to work on getting my ego satisfaction on my own. I'm going to try not to jump into anything else until I am REALLY, REALLY ready, not because I'm being pursued. I get to decide when the time is right. Maybe then I'll stop ending up with the cheaters and the liars and the attention whores who will always be looking for greener grass on the other side.

"And today, you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out is a blessing, can't you see? Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well."




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tex0U7qS7h4

Permeable Membrane

THREE BLOGS IN ONE WEEK?!?!?! Yep, I'm on break with nothing else to do...

I went to see Eat, Pray, Love today... its the first time in years that I've gone to the movies by myself. In fact, I think the last time I did was in 2004, when I was living in New Zealand. I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in Queenstown... Anyway, I'm digressing.

I went in thinking it was going to be a nice, romantic comedy about a woman finding herself. I was in the mood for light-hearted. But, it turned out to be a biography of my life. Every moment of that film, I knew exactly what this woman was going through. I could relate to the need to escape and find yourself... letting go of the guilt and blame... and finding balance. It was uncanny. The only difference was her Italy/India/Bali were my 2 summers in Yelapa. Oh, and I didn't find some hot Brazillian to fall in love with me... dammit.

There were so many great quotes in the movie that could have been taken directly from my own life experiences. But there was one quote early on that was so profound:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?

But I disappear into the person I love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything.

If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.

I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. I've always known I was an "all-or-nothing" relationship type person, but to have it put so perfectly into words... No wonder it is so difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships. And why the only way I've ever been able to move on, is by finding someone new. Problem is, its hard to replace someone when no one else can quite compare. (Oh geez, that sounded an awful lot like a Sinead O'Connor song...)

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m bothered that I seem to only be able to find happiness and security when I am in love. I guess its one more thing I can feel guilty about. But there's something to be said about giving it your all and knowing you're not alone. Will I ever learn to not give my everything to my relationship? I doubt it - this is who I am and because I know that giving my all is so much better than not giving anything.

"This is a good sign... having a broken heart... It means we have tried for something."

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

"You must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. "

Making Differences...

I can't tell you how awesome it is to be back teaching World History and even Economics. I was scared as hell to be teaching at an alternative school, with all the negative stigma that's attached to it. But they know this is their last chance and together I'm helping them make a huge step towards a real future.

It is incredible the number of students who have touched my life in such a short amount of time. I have recovering alcoholics and heroin addicts, I have 21 year old drop outs, I have the ones who dreaded going to school for fear of someone noticing that they were different, I have the kids who's parents have given up on them, I have the losers, the outcasts and the painfully shy... and I couldn't ask for anything better.

The economics class that I thought would be terrible, has turned out to be one of the best opportunities to teach kids about social injustice. I get SENIORS, the ones who are actually interested in learning about how money makes the world go 'round... and why that is such a fucked up way to live! Every day they're bombarded with ads and commercials and news saying how important money is... and I get to teach them who gets screwed over in the process.

As much as people like to tell me that its too late and one person can't change the world, I tell my students that through their voices they have the ability to make their generation the best... or the worst. That its up to them to stop the downward spiral we're on. I tell them that in order to make a change, we have to be compassionate about our fellow neighbors... to care about those less fortunate and to help where you can.

I don't think I could ask for a better place to work...

Sometimes you watch something and gives you goosebumps - this is one of those times:

Click here: Tyler Mali - What Teachers Make

Its just me

I was looking back at some old notes and found this one from a couple years ago. It cracked me up so I thought I would share it again...

25 Random Facts about T. Fuji

1. The first (and only) time I've gotten stitches was because my sister hit me in the mouth with a tupperware cup while we were in a water fight in the 6th grade.

2. I was voted "most energetic" in the 8th grade.

3. When I was 4 years old, I was pulling a t-shirt off my head and it got stuck, so I walked out of my room to get help and fell down the entire flight of stairs at my apartment.

4. In 11th grade, Chad Lutz convinced me to try Copenhagen, so I did... and ended up throwing up in the school bathroom.

5. While at Outdoor School, in the 6th grade, we were so excited for the BIG last campfire, that we were all running to get there. Someone called my name, I turned around and ran straight into a pole.... knocking myself out. No campfire for me.

6. I cry every time Grandpa Chook dies in "The Power of One".

7. I was MVP of my 7th grade basketball team.

8. I've had metal in my mouth since I was 7 years old. Still do today.

9. I have had the same dentist since I was 4 years old. He totally loves me.

10. My first boyfriend was Sam Houston in the 8th grade - our first date? The Def Leppard, Hysteria, concert.

11. The boy who holds my V-card is now married to the lead singer of The Dandy Warhols.

12. I was the first female inductee into the Jester Underground Gorilla Syndicate (aka JUGS).

13. My favorite movie in elementary school was "The Black Stallion" - I watched it every day after school for about 3 years. My dream in life was to be a jockey. I would make fake saddles and pretend to race in my living room.

14. When I was 5 years old, my family was on a rafting trip and I saw Mt. St. Helens erupt... when I told my mom the mountain was blowing up, she told me it was just some clouds. WRONG.

15. My first ever bloody nose came from my step-sister. I was 6, we were on the top bunk in the motorhome, playing shark - she got freaked out and kicked me in the face.

16. My first ever concussion also came from my step-sister. I was 5, we were at Wallowa Lake and she had me sitting on the handlebars of her bike. We were flying down the hill... until my foot got stuck in the spokes and we stopped SUDDENLY. I flew off, hit my head, got knocked out and threw up all night long. My parents decided it wasn't that big of a deal, so no hospital for me.

17. I learned how to ride a motorcycle before I learned how to ride a bicycle. But I was so short that my dad had to take the seat off the motorcycle so I could touch the ground.

18. When I was 18, I was the first women to ever pass the City of Sandy Fire Department physical agility test. Every member of the fire department came out to watch me...

19. I bought a violin 4 years ago and its my dream to learn how to play. So far, I can play Silent Night, Mary had a little lamb and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... would you like to hear me play?

20. My first crush was in the 2nd grade... who was the lucky guy? Huey Lewis, who was then replaced by Mike Donahue (from Channel 6 news) in the 3rd grade.

21. I once got a referral in the 2nd grade for giving my sister birthday spankings before school. I didn't get to go to the Good Guys Assembly because of it. That was the only referral my sister ever got.

22. My first referral was in Kindergarten because it was my turn to take in the tetherballs and Curtis Monte told me "You can't do it, you're a girl"... well, I already had one in my hand so I decided to whack him upside the head with it. He went flying, skinned up his knees and face - I got a referral and a lot of spankings from my mom.

23. I once drove my car through a metal chain (that I clearly did not see) and ended up breaking the window out of my car and knocking out a huge chunk of Bondo from the side panel.

24. I hate scary movies - in fact, I can hardly watch the COMMERCIALS for scary movies, let alone the movie itself. I get anxiety attacks when I watch them.

25. And the Grand Finale.... drum roll please.... I can roll my tongue into four-leaf clover.

So there you go, more information than you ever wanted to know about me :)

Can you go back?

I want to go back to Yelapa. But, I want Bryce and Marty and Bryn and Jon to all be there. I want those jam sessions that lasted til the sun came up, and swimming at 2 in the morning and kayaking across the bay to Casa Isabel and hikes up the waterfall. I want to adventure down on the back of that motorcycle, with nothing to do but enjoy the road ahead… I want to drink until the sun goes down and get back on the road before the sun comes back up. I want to walk along the beach with a giant Styrofoam cup full of Sangria watching the waves crash on the beach. But I know it’ll never be like that again. Once you leave, you can never go back…

I want to go back to that cold winter day in February, when I stepped of the plane and knew that THIS is how happy I should always be. To feel so incredibly safe that it seemed like you could take on the world as long as you had each other. To believe, for the first time in so long, that I was the most important thing to someone. To wake up smiling because real life was better than your dreams. But, like those SCUBA diving adventures, it can’t last forever. That feeling can be taken away in the blink of an eye... and once you leave, you can never go back.

Life is supposed to be about enjoying the moment as its happening. Soak it up and take it in as much as you can, because you never know how long it’s going to last. Stop assuming you have forever. You have to think that THIS ONE MOMENT may be your last so breathe it in, remember the touch, the emotions, the taste… If you live your life for today and have no expectations about tomorrow, you won’t get disappointed. You have to able to walk away with the memories, hold on to that feeling deep in your heart and be okay with letting go. No expectations – no disappointments.

I know I’m lucky to even have been able to experience these things even once in my life. I have some of the greatest memories… and it’s these memories that carry you through the tough times. The times when all you can do is look at pictures to find that smile you thought you lost. They’ll get you through the moments when all you want to do hold on and never let go…when all you can do is think about the possibilities…




You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

Times like these

OH, how I love the Northwest!! If ever there was a time when I needed to get out of AZ, get out of my head and just let lose, this was it. Okay, so maybe we got our asses handed to us in rugby, but the rest of the weekend was pretty damn awesome.

When your weekend starts off with a stylin, bright red, 4 door HHR, you know it's gonna be a good one. Although, we will still have to complain about the single cupholder in the back (sorry Macko!). Now, ending the weekend with missing car keys kind of sucked, but I did find them buried DEEP in the bottom of my bag, only after resorting to the hide-a-key first.

So, real fast, a quick recap of the game... we were down 0-7 at halftime against the 4th best team in the Nation. I should stop there, because that makes it sound like it wasn't too bad. BUT, we killed ourselves and let those damn Breakers score way too many points in the 2nd half. Final score... ugh... 33-0. Yeah, like I said, we got our asses handed to us.

But, I heart my rugby girls and my Seattle peeps. Big love to SherriPie for making the drive up from Portland to hang out a little. Big love to AmyWusse for her hospitality and all around greatness. Big love to Mongo for coming ALL THE WAY over to the westside to party with us and then drive me ALL THE WAY back to the eastside so we could party even more with ETP and Flowbee. Ending the weekend with Sunday football and bloody beers and sunsets at the beach was a perfectly lazy way to cap it off.

I am sad that I missed the big ORSU game in Portland on Sunday, and that I missed the new jersey honoring our beloved Babb... but, a 41-0 victory over the Valkyries tells me that OTD is back and playing their hearts out for Lindsay. GO JESTERS!

Every time I head up to Seattle it comes at a perfect moment in my life. A time when I need to be surrounded by my closest friends and bestest buddies. A time when I just need to laugh (a lot) and be reminded that life is fucking good.

Great people, great energy and great times. Thanks Seattle :)

It Starts Here.

I used to be a pretty happy go lucky kid. I used to laugh ALL the time, smile for no reason and make those around me laugh too. I was confident in who I was and didn't doubt my path. But recently, I've felt that slipping away from me. And I realized that the more I encounter deceitful people, the more the wind has been taken out of my sail.

I hate - emphasize HATE - being let down. Disappointment eats at my very core. And the worst disappointment, is when you truly believe, with every ounce of your being, that someone is a good person. You give them every benefit of the doubt, defend them to all the nay-sayers, and trust that they have only good intentions. And being a semi-untrusting person to begin with, makes all this even harder because I'm not one to let a whole lot of people in.

So, before its too late, I need to figure out how to turn this around! I have always been a big believer in the power of positive vibes. That if you think good thoughts, good things WILL happen. And I know that lately I've let myself get sidetracked by a lot of negative thoughts. Its so easy to get sucked into someone else's world and forget what makes YOU truly happy.

I think after major let downs in my life, I need to remind myself of all the great things I enjoy most. So, its back to ME (again). Back to reminding myself of all the things that make me really, really happy... like adventuring outdoors (well, once this damn triple digits weather goes away), and playing rugby with awesome peeps (old age and treachery baby!), and teaching my students every day how to be better people (along with some history and econ too), and going home to see my family (miss you guys!) and traveling (time to get out of the country again).

So, I'm sorry if I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but its so easy to forget these things when you let yourself get stuck in a moment. I hope the next blog is about my next big adventure... Baja 1000? Motorcycle trip to anywhere? SCUBA in Yelapa? Hiking Machu Pichu? RWC in New Zealand? Sure, why not!

Quotes for the day (courtesy of Rob & Big):

"I love it every time someone gets their heart full. "

Just Me...

Third Times a Charm...

Or is it "three strikes and you're out"...

As I mature (ahem), I consider myself to be more of a thinker these days... working smarter, not harder. You're supposed to get better with age, right? Like a fine wine just waiting to be uncorked and enjoyed. I'm learning from my mistakes but not being afraid to make more. You can't succeed unless you've failed a few times.

I've been fighting this for awhile now... wondering if I COULD do it. I know I have a lot to offer, I know that I am a worthy mate... but I didn't know if my mind and my body could handle the abuse. I don't like being hurt. I don't like dealing with the pain. BUT, if you're gonna do it, you just have to accept that these things are inevitable. And fighting through the pain is what makes the reward sooooo much better.

So, I decided last spring to come out of my third retirement. My third attempt at leaving the game I love was, yet again, an epic failure. I lasted 6 months this time (if you don't count the occasional b-side game and 7's matches)... my longest so far. But, much like other things in my life that I love with all my heart, I am finding it impossible to walk away.

And now, after 16 seasons, I'm back in the pack. Back playing with the big girls. Tackling girls twice my size... and running them over just as much. This doesn't bode well for my aging body. And it makes me wonder how long I'll be able to last if I'm in the thick of it 80 minutes a week. BUT, maybe I'll surprise myself. Maybe my body will love the opportunity to make big hit after big hit.

Its not like I'm gonna quit. I'm in this to win it. I'd love to end it on a high note... one more shot at a title. I don't want to look back and regret not abusing my body when I still had the opportunity. There's plenty of years left to coach, so for now, I play.

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. AMEN.

Out There, For All The World To See

I was just reading back to past blogs and looking at a bunch of pics from the last few years... so much has happened that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. Its crazy to see how much I have grown and how much I've learned about myself, just by reading a few entries and seeing some old photos.

As much as this blog was supposed to be about my big adventures in life, its turned into more of a processing place for me. You all know that I'm an external processor... and that I put my life on display. You can criticize me for being too much out there, for sharing too much, but for me, its how I heal. Its how I figure out if I'm on the right path or not. There's never going to be a time when you question how I feel about you. If you're important to me, if you matter in my life, I'm going to tell you. I think its safe to say that there have never been secrets with me. What you see is what you get.

Now, I have been on some super fun adventures but I've also done a lot of awesome nothingness. As much as I love being out there, trekking around, seeing the world... I think I've realized that down time is almost just as good. I used to have to pack my life full, so that I didn't have the down time, because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. But lately, I'm realizing that I really like who I am and I like my thoughts. So, being alone with them, isn't the worst thing in the world.

And up until recently, I was convinced that you could always forgive, but never forget... I thought "I will not be a victim because I choose to tackle things head on. I don't let myself be blindsided"... what that really meant was "I'm on to you... and I'm waiting for the moment you lie to me or break my trust". By holding on to the hurts of the past and the betrayal, it only makes me a vulnerable to it again. So this time around, I'm thinking that a little lapse in memory isn't the worst thing. Because if you can forget the hurt, forget the pain, it'll open you up to the right person.

The sun is still shining.
The smiles are still here.
Life is still good.

October 2006...

To Today...

Everything is gonna be okay

"Don't cry because its over... Smile because it happened."

Simple, right?

I love Dr. Suess. Always have. I remember reading "Oh, the Places You'll Go", and realizing as an adult that this would be my mantra in life. But my favorite Dr. Suessism, is that quote... Right now, thems be some powerful words for me.

I think its easy for people (and by "people", I mean "me") to immediately throw a pity party when things don't work out the way you'd hoped. To go to that dark place and start thinking about all the things you should have said, or the things you could have done... but this time, I'm gonna go a different route. This time, I think so many positives came out of the all too familiar ending, that I can't look too hard on the negatives.

I've come to accept certain inevitabilities in life... and the more you come to terms with these things, the easier they are to deal with. I've said it many times before but I'll say it again... there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out and falling in love, even if it the feeling isn't returned. To know that you are capable of loving someone unconditionally and that even when things go really bad you can still find the good is a very powerful feeling.

So, rather then dwell, I'm thankful for the experience. Thankful that I've come one step closer to truly being happy with me. I wouldn't trade the feelings I felt this last few months for anything. To know what its like to feel safe and protected, to get butterflies from just a look, to be in comforting arms... no matter how fleeting the moment... those are the things I will cherish from this experience.

Life is what you make it and I plan on making the most out of it :)

Saying Goodbye...

Its been a few weeks since my last blog, and yet I still have not been able to find the right words. There is so much I want to say but I have been at a loss. I start to write something, but then erase, re think and find that nothing can quite express what I'm feeling.

So for now, let me just leave you with a thought -- the love that MY community, the rugby community, has shown says more than I could ever begin to start. We lost a good one, scratch that... a great one. And whether you knew her well or merely crossed paths with her, she touched your heart and warmed your soul.

Lindsay Babb, you will be missed terribly, but we will live on with your spirit and laughter guiding us...

Back where I belong :)

Here's how life works out...

As the school year was winding down and I was making my plans to get out of AZ for a few weeks, I realized I had to take that STUPID Arizona endorsement test to prove I could teach math (except, I already did that 5 years ago, in Oregon... yet AZ doesn't seem to think that's good enough). And another test to prove that I had the "professional knowledge" to teach (even though I have my Masters in Teaching and also passed Oregon's version of it 5 years ago). So, I had to push back my summer adventuring by a week. You have no idea how annoyed I was with this. I bitched and I moaned about having to stay another week in the 110 degree weather. Stupid AEPA.

But then, my favorite person was looking like they could come along with me on my road trip... so, I pushed back my plans by another couple weeks. This time, not annoyed, but super excited about having him along with me to share in the adventures together.

And in the time that I pushed back my plans, I took a little looksy on the Gilbert Public Schools website (after a tip that they were hiring). What I found was a ton of job openings... for math. Which, at this point, I had conceded to teaching indefinitely. So, I applied for about 15 math openings.

Then, I took a closer look at the Gilbert Learning Center... which isn't listed in the high schools. Its the alternative school for those who haven't been as successful in the main stream school system. Low and behold, what did I find? Yep, a World History opening. But, the job was closing at the end of the day. So I scrambled to fill out the application and probably made 100 mistakes along the way.

BUT, they called me back! And last Wednesday I had an interview. Wouldn't you know it, it was also the day I had to take my car into the shop, so my only mode of transportation was my motorcycle. Need I remind you that it was 110 degrees... well, I guess it was only 98 at the time of my interview, at 7 o'clock in the morning. But it was enough that with my black helment, I was soaked in sweat by the time I arrived for the interview. Um, not hot. But I guess my interview was off the hook because they loved me! And instead of waiting until Wednesday to tell me I got the job, they called me today to offer me the position...

And now you know what can SUCK IT?!?!? MATH. You know why? Because I am the new World History (and economics. eek.) teacher at Canyon Valley School in Gilbert, AZ (a mere 12 miles from my house). WOOHOO!!

So, fate, you got me again! If I had left when I originally planned, I would have never gotten the tip, never filled out the application, never gotten the interview... and would still be teaching math at Poston Butte way out in the boonies. Instead, I get 3 more weeks of summer break, I get to road trip with my man (and my dog :) and I'm back teaching where I belong.

Butterflies and Punches

I've said it in many other blogs, but I'll say it again. My gut instinct is damn strong. If I listen to it, it will tell me when to jump in head first and throw caution to the wind... and it will also tell me when to stop, assess and ask questions.

When my gut is right about the good things, I get butterflies in my belly. My head is in the clouds and I feel like nothing can go wrong. I smile all day. I laugh. I really, really believe that all is right in my world. It just seems like you can throw anything at me without making me flinch.

I like to ignore my gut sometimes. Both the good and the bad. Sometimes, its just hard to believe that things are as good as they seem. Its like you're sitting around, waiting for it to all go wrong. Instead of just enjoying the hell out of it for as long as it lasts. Nothing lasts forever, we all know that. But instead of waiting for that gloomy moment when it does fall apart, how about enjoying it for the fleeting moments that you have. The here and the now.

And sometimes, I wish my gut didn't tell me EVERY time something was up. Sometimes, I'd like to not know. Sometimes, I'd like to just live in my own little bubble and believe that someone is as blissfully happy with me as I am with them. What's wrong with that? I'm starting to believe that nothing is wrong with a little "turning a blind eye"...

Because when my gut is right about bad things, it feels like someone just punched me in the belly and that I might just throw up. I'm familiar with this feeling. It hasn't been around for a while but it never really goes away. So, I'm just trying to sort out if this visit is just out of old habit, or if it really has something important to say.

So, I sit... and I wait... because one of my new year's resolution was to NEVER ignore my gut,but it was also to learn to be a little more patient. To listen the first time my gut speaks and to ask enough questions so that I'm never blindsided again. But also to be thoughtful enough to listen to the answers to those questions and not jump to the wrong conclusions. It doesn't always work and sometimes it takes a little time for me to analyze it, but I'm coming along...

So, its time to stop making excuses for myself or for other people. Its long past time to start accepting who I am and be okay in my own skin. This is me. Take me or leave me. I'll be fine. I always have been.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.

Summertime... and the livin's easy

Oh boy! Its getting to be that time of the year again - where I start counting down the days, the hours, the minutes til SCHOOL IS OUT. I think I'm worse than the kids. I tell ya though, after the school year I just had, I am definitely in need of a good month and a half off.

This summer, I've decided to stay in the states and check out some of my own backyard. I realize that there is so much here in the U.S. that I have never seen and its time to do something about it! My goal is to check off Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and the Black Hills/Badland areas in South Dakota. I have about 5 weeks to get it all done AND spend a good chunk of time visiting my favorite person in North Dakota.

This time around, I will NOT be doing this trip over Christmas, and therefore I will NOT be having the mental breakdown like last time. So, Tita, no phonecalls from me, in tears, from some podunk bar in the middle of nowhere Death Valley :).

THIS TIME, it will be sunny and beautiful and I will not be missing Christmas with the family. And fingers crossed that I'll have a partner in crime when I go adventuring... but if I don't, I know I'll still have a great time making my own memories to lock away in the vault. Of course, pictures will follow so you can all pretend that you were with me :)

That which does not kill you...

Life can change on you pretty quickly... one minute you're on cloud nine, the next, you're getting shoved off by a hard dose of reality. It gives as quickly as it takes. We're supposed to be made stronger by our experiences and grow from them. But sometimes its really hard to see the light at the end of every tunnel.

Like most people I know, I have endured my fair share of heartaches and losses and broken dreams... but I know that a lot of it has to do with my own faults. I tend to build things up in my head, forgetting to let key players in on my grand plans. Only to be disappointed when reality doesn't live up to the fairy tale I've created. I am a dreamer and I often get caught up in the moment... wanting to take the fast track because I'm too excited about the possibilities of what could be. I like being a dreamer and I can accept the fact that things work out the way they do in my life because of that.

But what I'm struggling with is when good people are taken away from good people. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones that are always there for their family and friends. The ones that smile all the time and hug you whenever you need it. The ones that always have the positive outlook on life and do good for all those around them.

Why can't life just leave them alone and let their dreams come true? Why can't it just let them be blissfully happy with life? For once, just let the good guys win. Its like life needs to be constantly reminding us that it could all be taken away from you in a split second. But it seems like those that get reminded the most are the ones that truly already understand how precious life is and they DO live their lives as if today could be their last. They aren't afraid to take a few risks... because they understand the rewards could be so great. So why not just let them be?

I get it though... life isn't fair. So stop asking these questions because they're never going to be answered. Just be prepared for them and do what you can to make the best out of the situation.

Dust In The Wind

*WARNING* If you are a religious person, you may not want to read this. I'm not challenging your beliefs, nor am I looking for someone to "guide me", I'm just doing my usual external processing... so please, don't take it personally.

I'm not a religious person... my parents were not overly religious, so it was never pushed on me. When I was in high school, I went to Younglife and youth group, not because I had this burning desire to follow God, but because it was something to do after school with my friends. Along the way, I learned quite a bit about Christianity and at the time, it helped give me answers to ideas and thoughts that I couldn't grasp in my head. Because, when you're younger, its really hard to accept the idea that when you die, that's it. Even as an adult, its a concept I struggle to understand.

As I grew up and was exposed to more and more information about the church, I learned that organized religion has so many skeletons in its closet, that there's no way of telling what is "the word of God". Everything has been twisted and contorted to feed someone's ego and for their own personal gain. How can you put so much faith in something that has been created by HUMANS, who are innately flawed?

Think about how many wars and how many people have been killed all in the name of "God". And how many more people are going to die before we stop letting your God or my God or his God determine wrong and right. And why, if you REALLY are religious, would you dare to judge me or my beliefs? I thought the whole central idea behind religion was to be tolerant and to not judge (lest ye be judged). I'm pretty sure there was some story about Jesus saving someone from being stoned because he said that the first person to cast a stone should be someone who hasn't committed a sin themselves. I see religion as hypocrisy at its finest.

So, I stopped believing in "God".

But, I still can't shake the feeling that there is SOMETHING out there... something bigger than you and I. The law of physics says that energy can not be created or destroyed... so when I die, what happens to MY energy? I don't think my thoughts or my feelings continue on after I'm dead, but I do think that my "soul" or energy or whatever you want to call it, can't just go away.

The more I learn about Eastern Philosophies, the more I start to get answers. I'm not saying that I follow Buddhism or Taoism or Confucianism some other "ism" that makes me seem all zen with life, but it is helping me be a little more at peace with the unknown. I like the idea of humility and virtue and compassion and MODERATION and to stop being greedy. Who can really argue with those fundamentals?

And then there's the idea of reincarnation and that your energy can be transferred into other living things. Live a good life now and you'll be rewarded in the next life... whats the worst that can happen if I try to live THIS life the best way I can? If it is true that I die and turn to dust, at least I'll have left a positive mark behind. And that might be why I love to teach. I love the idea that I can influence 150 minds every year. That maybe I can get them to be a little bit more compassionate and a little less selfish. Maybe I can get them to understand that material possessions don't mean anything and that life is about the experiences.

So, I'm still not sure what is really going to happen to me when I die, but I do have a little peace of mind that I may not just turn to dust. And I also need to keep in mind, that while my job may make me want to cry, in the end, it is about teaching the next generation a thing or two about tolerance and moderation...

There can be no light without darkness... No love without hate... No male without female... When they are equally present, all is calm. When one is outweighed by the other, there is confusion and disarray...

The greatest achievement is selflessness... The greatest patience is humility... The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways... The greatest generosity is non-attachment... The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.

All living suffer... Suffering is due to greed... Suffering ends when greed ends... The only way to stop greed is to live a simple and compassionate life...

Changes in Lattitude, Changes in Attitude

How often do you wake up thinking "Today is a great day!"? In general, I'm not a morning person... especially when I have to get up at 5:15 am. But lately, I've been waking up with a little pep, ready for whatever you can throw at me, with my dog by my side. It really is an awesome feeling. I actually look forward to the day with a smile on my face and a 45 minute drive to ponder life... (note a slight hint of sarcasm regarding the 45 minute drive).

So of course, I've been trying to figure out WHY my days seem a little brighter (refer back to "chronic over-thinking" and it shouldn't surprise you). And I realized it comes down to one thing... THE SUN.

Unless you've lived in rainy places, you have no idea how much your body craves sun light. At least my body does. I attribute it to the Hawaiian in my blood. I'm supposed to be in the sun as much as possible. And for the last 30+ years of my life, I spent 9 months of the year in the gloomy, rainy, windy weather of Oregon. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Oregon for all its patchouli oil and dreadlocks and hippies and keeping Portland weird... but in the end, I've been living in the wrong latitude.

Its like the Jimmy Buffett song:

Its these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldnt laugh we would all go insane

That last part rings especially true... If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. When life throws you a curve ball, you can either chose to let it hit your square in the face or adjust your stance, take a swing and hit the ball out of the park. Sometimes you're gonna swing and miss and sometimes your gonna get hit. BUT, its the attempt at making the best of a situation that really counts. Because, honestly, when does life EVER work out the way you think it should?

I realized not too long ago, that I am the only one I can control. So if something makes me happy, just do it. Stop worrying about what other people might think, or who I might offend. If my actions aren't right for you, that's fine. I totally will listen to your suggestion and consider your advice. But in the end, I'm all about ME. And if I can make YOU smile along the way and make YOUR day a little brighter, well then its just icing on the cake.

If you remember, my 2010 New years resolution was to make 2010 all about ME. And, for the 2nd time in my life, (the first time being when I acquired a taste for Whiskey back in 2006 :) I may actually achieve my resolution!

No Thanks, I'm Good.

Today I had a good talk with a friend and the topic of boundaries came up. Establishing boundaries in your life and then sticking to them. Whether it be with drinking or friends or spending money or athletics, you should have some boundaries set so you stay on the right path. Because its really easy to get off the path when you just go at things all willy-nilly.

I'm not sure if I've ever set up REAL boundaries in my life, but the conversation helped me realize why I should. This girl is crazy enough, and boundaries might just keep me sane. Traditionally, I'm always the last to leave parties, order one too many cocktails, gain 5 too many pounds, hang on just a little too long. Its like I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something (well, not so much on the gaining 5... 10... 15 lbs, but you get my point). But guess what? That "something" never happens.

I think some of this falls in the category of "Setting Goals", which I also suck at. I generally fall off any goal-setting-wagon about 2/3's of the way into things. How about the time I said I was going to do a 70.3? Wasn't that funny! Or the time I was going to stop drinking for a month? Evidentially, 23 days is now a month. And I NEVER walk away. I always try to walk away, but inevitably, I allow myself to get sucked in. Did you notice me try to retire from rugby? HA, that was a joke. Or when I thought it was a good idea to "just be friends"? Clearly, I could also use a lesson or two on why this never works.

So, back to the boundaries... its time to learn when to say enough, I've reached my limits and I'm good. I wonder if it will help me with over-thinking and over-analyzing of every situation? At this point, I'm ready to try anything. Set boundaries and goals and try, for once in my life, to stick to them. Now, if I could only get some people to respect my need for boundaries, I think I'll have things all figured out! Riiiiiiight.

Confessions of a Non-Runner

For the past year or so, I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I was going to be a runner. I wanted to love running. I wanted to find that runners high. I wanted the feeling of being free and just running to clear your mind. And I really did try. I completed 3 half-marathons (never having the guts to try a full one) and I even thought after the first two that maybe, just maybe it wasn't crazy thinking to believe I could be a runner.

Sure, I enjoyed the feeling of completing them and I loved the high I got after it was over. And yes, I really do enjoy triathlons. The swimming and biking are awesome and I would even say the run wasn't horrible, because they were always short distances. But, after 16 months of trying, I have come to conclusion that long-distance running just isn't my thing. And you know what? I'm okay with it.

That's not easy for me to admit to. I want to be good at it. I don't want to be a quitter. I really wanted to fall in the love with the road. But, what I failed to realize is that I HAVE felt that high and that freedom and that love of something that can't be explained to the average Joe... for the past 15 years every time I step on a rugby field. Rugby is my runners high.

A friend recently broke the news to me that I'm "a lot better at rugby then running". I took that as a HUGE compliment. And it really did help me think about why I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't. This last year I tried to give up playing rugby. I thought I should be done with this chapter in my life and try something different. And what the end result was, is someone who was not really happy being on the sidelines. Sure, at some point I'm going to have to hang up my boots, but I think the next time I do, its going to be because I no longer can put someone in the gap or dummy a pass and hit the hole... its going to be because my body has decided it, not my head.

Its funny, because when I'm not happy with my "athletic" life, I'm a miserable person to be around. Okay, miserable might be a slight exaggeration, but I know that I'm not ME. As soon as I stop working out or playing rugby, I start to get down on myself and those around me. Anyone who's been around me when I'm not be active, knows that I can be a bit of a debbie-downer. But right now, it seems like things are just coming together and I think so much of it has to do with my decision to get back in the gym, and back on the field.

I know its hard to explain the joy that rugby brings me, especially if you've never played. I just know that this is where I belong. Its the only time in my life, when I don't over-think things or have to convince myself to be mentally tough, it just happens. When I'm on the field or when I have that ball in my hand, things come easy for me. I can put aside all the bad decisions or regrets or coulda-shoulda-woulda's of my day-to-day life and just play. And right now, just playing is a pretty good thing for me.

So, thank you to everyone who told me to keep playing and for encouraging me to get back in the gym. This season is for you (and me, because, well, 2010 has been deemed the Year of ME!),

Its Good To Be Home.

The old saying that "home is where the heart is" never made much sense until recently. I always thought it meant that its where you grew up (Long? or Meadowsong?), where your family lives (but not really anymore), the bedroom you grew up in (but has since been turned in to an "office")... but what I'm learning is, home is not a physical location.

I went back to the great Northwest for Christmas and had a really nice time with family and friends. I did a whole lot of good ol' fashioned NOTHING. Hanging with nephews, heart-to-hearts with my sister, walking the dogs, playing in the snow, dinners with the family. It felt so good to be back... This is home.

For New Year's Eve, I headed up to Seattle to spend time with a great group of friends from all over. Friends that make you feel just good about life. Everyone is always in such good spirits because they are just genuinely good people at heart. We smile, we hug, we laugh, we cuddle, we drink, we dress up in ridiculous costumes... This is home.

Then I came back to Arizona, with my dog who has been away from me for 5 months. It was almost 9 years ago that he first came into my life and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He's always been there for me, when I'm happy or sad or lonely... This is home.

And now I'm back in Arizona... and the real question is -- is this home? I've been challenged by a few people on what my motives were to move to AZ. All I know is that I have friends down here that I absolutely love with all my heart. Friends that when you meet, you know right away they'll be in your life forever. Friends who have been more loyal and supportive then people I've known my whole life. And that, that is enough reason to be here. So you know what? Yeah, this IS home.

So here's to 2010 - and realizing that home can be anywhere you make it. And home can be a lot of different places. Home is where your loved ones are, where you feel familiar and comfortable. Where you don't have to be anyone but your crazy, intimidating, emotional, adventurous, fun-loving self.